Despite the Earth being on fire, the world’s press continues to fixate on the minutia of Donald Trump’s crazy immigration policy, crazy foreign policy and eminently sane attempts to have sex with his own daughter. One reporter countered: ‘If you had the chance to cover a bloviated narcissist with hair that defies belief, what would you do? It’s so much easier than actually reporting the news. And to be fair, his daughter is hot.’
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The City has reacted badly to reports that Rishi Sunak was attacked by a Field mouse
and is hiding inside a doll’s house in the attic of No 10. Police say the Prime Minister went into combat with the beast armed only with a sewing needle and a shirt button. The titanic struggle took place in a deep pile carpet beneath a chair in the Cabinet room. MI5 believe the mouse entered No 10 through a drainpipe.
News of the clash comes as the OBR predicts Mr Sunak will shrink by 1.4% in 2023. The PM contracted sharply in December, leaving him vulnerable to inquisitive cats, hungry birds, and civil servants who don’t watch where they’re putting their feet.
Police have urged tiny people not to take matters into their own hands. If you are attacked by a mouse, you should find your nearest teapot and dial 999.
A good Samaritan who helped a koala cross a busy road has expressed surprise at being bitten on the arse by
the outraged marsupial. The koala had been trying to end it all after being subjected to hours of Dave ja vu, E4 Extra, and teleshopping.
Footage of a well meaning Aussie saving the life of the cute critter has gone viral. However, the koala is believed to have climbed an electricity pylon shortly afterwards. Eye witnesses heard the distressed marsupial shouting: 'I've had enough of Big Bang re-runs! Spare me A Place in the Sun!' before biting a cable and going up like a prawn on a barbie.
photo: https://pixabay.com/users/martinstr-108372/
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