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HS2 to terminate in Salford



The government has admitted that although the HS2 will terminate in Manchester centre, it won't terminate in London centre. 'We used a consultant who was on loan from RyanAir and he suggested we could save a lot of the budget by relocating the terminus to at least one destination outside of the named destination,' said a government spokesman today. 'They use it all the time, apparently. So Rome as a destination actually terminates in Umbria, and all the passengers have to do is to catch a local bus for the final 160km. It's very popular, allows RyanAir to charge reasonable fees and provides a little excitement into an otherwise dull travel experience.


'So the consultant suggested keeping the Manchester City terminus and locating the London stop at Salford, with a bus connection to Euston. Or catch one of the many trains already running from Manchester via Salford to London, which would actually be quicker. Saved about £38 billion on the journey, opening up an opportunity for Truss and Kwarting to come back and finish what they started,' he said.


image from pixabay



Police Chief vows to clear out the rotten apples. Again.



Metropolitan Police Commissioner George Dixon (no relation) has acknowledged the public outrage over the number of rotten apples in the Force. He told a packed press conference:-


“I can understand the public’s anger and distress over the ongoing rotten apple situation and my first task as the new boss is to fix this.


I have already set up a crack taskforce made up of totally-PC officers. Well actually not all will be PCs. There will be a few sergeants and we also located an Inspector on light duties with repetitive wrist strain following a prolonged bout of expense form filling – that’s what he told us anyway.


I am pleased to announce that we are already making progress. A preliminary report has already identified the likely number of rotten apples in the barrel. Unfortunately we have also found some bunches of manky bananas, a couple of mouldy oranges and quite a few satsumas that appear to be left over from Christmas.


After some fantastic forensic work we believe we have narrowed down the identification of the culprit. On the side of the barrel are printed the cryptic symbols ‘Best before 31/12/2017’. Once PCs Columbo, Magnum and Rockford have decoded this we are confident we will have cracked the case. WPC Jessica Fletcher insists she knows the answer already but how could she – she’s just a girlie.


image from pixabay



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