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Rish! Sunak’s political advisors have been at something of a loss to identify anything that will make the Prime Minister stand out from the crowd other than his diminutive stature, which isn’t the greatest asset a politician can have.


Other politicians have been able to find props that people remember, such as Michael Fabricant’s toupee, George Galloway’s wide brimmed hat or that fat bloke few wish to remember who wore scruffy suits and a carefully dishevelled haircut, so in order to make Rish! more memorable, they have drafted in fashion consultant Gok Wan, to see if he can assist with a makeover.


Newsbiscuit understands from Gok Wan that Rish! has refused the suggestions made in the initial telephone call the advisors had with Gok that Rishi could be made to look good naked, or that changing his elevator shoes to more obvious stilleto heels would be something for people to look out for.


Gok told us that Rish! will need to drop the boring Saville Row suits for something more distinctive and that possibly, if he wore pastel-coloured ten-gallon hats he would be more noticeable.


image from pixabay

Her Majesty, resplendent in an 'I'm 90' badge and matching tiara, went out to survey her grovelling Proles. With a spryness that belied her years and billionaire lifestyle, Queen Elizabeth took a 'ceremonial piss' on a variety of commoners to mark her territory.


Dressed in union jack onesies, her simpering subjects jostled to breath in the rarefied aroma of someone who could have them all locked up for treason, in an instant. Cheering crowds wished her a happy birthday by chanting 'We know our place', much to the delight of tourists come to watch this long tradition of self-abasement.


Ultimately there is nothing that stirs national pride then the sight of a fully grown man curtseying. One overly deferential simpleton said: ' I feel so much more comfortable relinquishing control of my life to my betters. All those hands that need shaking and ribbons that need cutting - I wouldn't know where to begin'.



With the opinion polls suggesting the Conservatives are heading for a fall at the next General Election, and Labour likely to end up with somewhere between a narrow and a wide majority, the Liberal Democrats have found themselves on an election war-footing.


'It's easier when you have no hope,' wailed one Lib Dem potential candidate. 'All you have to do is book some leave before the election, knock on lots of doors, mumble "don't really know" to lots of arcane questions such as "what are you going to do about Brexit?" and then lose your deposit. It's a hobby, doesn't actually cost that much and you don't have to have an awkward conversation with your employer on election day,' he said.


'Now we're being talked up. Some are suggesting that instead of languishing in fourth place in the next parliament we could be - er - still in fourth place but a little further up the ladder. The one thing we do really well at this point in the election cycle is shooting ourselves in the foot, but this time nobody knows which foot to shoot ourselves in.


'Best we try both - but we'll probably still miss,' he grumbled






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