Lib Dems unsure which foot to shoot themselves in
With the opinion polls suggesting the Conservatives are heading for a fall at the next General Election, and Labour likely to end up with somewhere between a narrow and a wide majority, the Liberal Democrats have found themselves on an election war-footing.
'It's easier when you have no hope,' wailed one Lib Dem potential candidate. 'All you have to do is book some leave before the election, knock on lots of doors, mumble "don't really know" to lots of arcane questions such as "what are you going to do about Brexit?" and then lose your deposit. It's a hobby, doesn't actually cost that much and you don't have to have an awkward conversation with your employer on election day,' he said.
'Now we're being talked up. Some are suggesting that instead of languishing in fourth place in the next parliament we could be - er - still in fourth place but a little further up the ladder. The one thing we do really well at this point in the election cycle is shooting ourselves in the foot, but this time nobody knows which foot to shoot ourselves in.
'Best we try both - but we'll probably still miss,' he grumbled