We'll all be bummed by space monkeys - warns Farage‏

UKIPs leader has unveiled a stark vision of continued EU membership which involves being impregnated by aliens and being force-fed spicy food. Mr. Farage, standing beneath the logo - 'Brexit is a safe word', painted a post-apocalyptic vision of sexual molestation, so obscene, that it would make a BBC Radio DJ blush.

His aide advised the British public to hide in the nearest Anderson Shelter, wrapped inside a prophylactic sheath. He explained, with the aid of doll: ‘We’re talking about illegal aliens. Horny ones. The sort that'll come over here to sit upstream in Thames releasing thousands of salmon-sized sperm. It won’t be Rivers of Blood, it’ll be streams of spunk.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

Earth to be Recycled

Five go Dobbing in the Neighbours

15 Years of Typos

Thérèse Coffey links to "big turnip" revealed

It's been revealed that environment secretary, Thérèse Coffey, has shares in InterTurnip, a massive international conglomerate of turnip farmers spread across 3 continents.

InterTurnip have been accused of feeding the turnip addiction widely found in East Anglian regions with individual turnips changing hands on the street for as much as 20p each.

Social worker, Deirdre Jenkins of Clacton explained the issues; 'I know the kids in the area, I've lived on the same estates and I can confirm they're all bell-ends addicted to glue, cocaine and turnips. So encouraging people to eat turnips, which will raise the values of her shares, is outrageous.'

Thérèse Coffey has admitted that she doesn't eat turnips herself because of cannibalism laws.

WeBuyAnyTomato.com attacks public with most annoying killer TV ad yet

.