top of page
Search

Labour MP too right-wing for the Tories



The frustrated backbencher complained: ‘I've been screwing over the working class for the past decade. I love the Big Pharma, Small Pharma, even Medium sized Pharma. I’m all for the Arms industry. Hell, any hands, knees and boomps-a-daisy industry. Privatizing hospitals? Where do I sign up? I’ll paint my red rosette blue. I’ll swear allegiance to Beelzebub and lick Theresa May’s kitten heels. Just let me in’.


One Labour voter seemed unsurprised by the closet Tory: ‘I guess when their only policy is to mimic the right-wing, that’s not opposition, that’s envy’.



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?























Law to be changed to allow builders to own a calendar



It’s one of the stranger pieces of legislation, like that one about killing Welshmen after midnight in Chester, or the one about wearing a suit of armour in the Houses of Parliament. Since the Middle Ages members of the building trades have been forbidden from owning a calendar.


‘It really inconveniences our customers’ said Pete, a plasterer from Warrington. ‘I’d love to be able to say “oh yeah, I’ll start the job on the 31st” or whatever, but it’s actually illegal for me to own a calendar so I just say something like “end of the month ok?” and then I get bollocked when I forget a job’.


Campaigners say they’re pleased with the change but it’s a missed opportunity for wider reform. ‘We also want a standard pricing model, said Dave Jenkins of the Customers’ Alliance. ‘Under the current system a tradesman has to recite a poem backwards while examining a chicken’s entrails. It leads to significant disparities in pricing for the same job. Surely, in the twenty first century, we could at least computerise the entrail analysis?’


However, HMG doesn’t support the move to a more modern pricing mechanism, pointing out that ‘If examining chickens' entrails is good enough for the Chancellor, it should be good enough for builders’.




bottom of page