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Olympic medal tally now an aphrodisiac



Couples confirm, that being glued to their TV sets and engorged with national pride, has been as closest thing to sporting Viagra since Des Lynam stopped winking. Most fantasies now involve Claire Balding draped in a Union Jack, whispering arousing phrases like 'velodrome', 'MoBot' and 'Russian disqualification'.


The pressure is on now to redirect funding from sport to providing the spark for stale marriages. A lottery spokeswoman said: 'The public need inspiration. They need winners. They need a big plate of oysters covered in crushed rhino horn eaten off the thighs of Jason Kenny'.


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NASA planning 'completely woke' crew for first moon landing




After planning the most diverse space crew since Star Trek: the Next Generation, with four semi-geriatrics covering both male and female astronauts and including a first for a moon mission: a person of colour and, controversially, a Canadian, though not necessarily the same person, NASA has now outlined its plans for Artemis 3 which will land a crew of four-ish on the surface of the moon.


'We intend to select talented non-binary, gender fluid individuals who have interesting, if incomprehensible, pronouns,' stated a NASA spokesperson, who answered to the pronoun s(he), or 'Them' for short. 'We've reached out to the LGBTQαβγ∆ρσ+ community, essentially the brightest non-binary personnel we have access to,' added the spokeswhatsit. 'The watchword is woke, and we're going where no Murdock newspaper has ever gone before,' the representative stated firmly, but without causing offence, obviously.


The spokewibble admitted that the Artemis 3 mission will rely on essentially a giant phallic shaped rocket funded by the least woke, essentially misogynistic owner of SpaceX, admitting it looked like a giant cock. 'As does the rocket,' he/she,them added.


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