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Olympic medal tally now an aphrodisiac

Couples confirm, that being glued to their TV sets and engorged with national pride, has been as closest thing to sporting Viagra since Des Lynam stopped winking. Most fantasies now involve Claire Balding draped in a Union Jack, whispering arousing phrases like 'velodrome', 'MoBot' and 'Russian disqualification'.

The pressure is on now to redirect funding from sport to providing the spark for stale marriages. A lottery spokeswoman said: 'The public need inspiration. They need winners. They need a big plate of oysters covered in crushed rhino horn eaten off the thighs of Jason Kenny'.

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