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Man, 28, takes psychedelics, discovers empathy

Updated: May 13, 2023



28 year old Jason Smith had no idea that a simple stint with hallucinogens would give way to a life-altering experience.


"It was amazing" the moustachioed Jason shared. "It was like having this epiphany that everyone in the world has feelings, that everyone has their own lives. Sounds crazy, right?"


Since his enlightening encounter, Jason has taken to captivating his friends and women in line at Starbucks with his profound insights on the fabric of human nature.


"It's even made me, like, think about some of the things I've done before; I remember how, in the past, when a girl didn't want to sleep with me, I'd bring up my dead Grandma. She died in 1997 but at the very least I'd get a sympathetic hand job. Now I'm thinking that maybe that wasn't a good thing to do. Is there a word for that?"


The perspicacious youth has now started a podcast to share his new-found wisdom with other men his age.


Cara




Liz Truss demolishes former Leeds school to lay foundation for an Anti-Woke Theme Park



Liz Truss, the former PM, who is busy positioning herself as a figurehead on the international stage for libertarian politics, is now branching into the alternative recreation space. Less than a month after her speech at a right-wing think tank in Washington, Truss has announced she is launching the world’s first anti-woke theme park, in Yorkshire, on the site of her former school demolished earlier in the day.


Pressed for concrete plans, Truss has been vague on what will be offered in the park, how it will be funded, and the viability of a theme park around anti-wokeness against the likes of existing parks like Diggerland, Lightwater Valley and also Alton Towers. The former PM has promised a boom in visitors benefiting the city with a high speed monorail from London straight to the park, and putting Leeds on an international anti-woke trail. Citing Disneyland’s impact on surrounding 1950s Anaheim and Orange County, Truss promised that within a decade there would also be a flourishing animation studio to rival Woke cartoons from Hollywood.


Accompanied by her stylist and Instagram photographer, Truss stood on a mound of rubble, where Roundhay School stood until this morning, an institution she blames for making her become Liberal Democrat's most committed youth politician. Earlier in the day, pupils, parents and teachers arrived at the school to see Truss dressed as a foreman, directing a demolition of the building by up to 50 cranes and bulldozers. Holding a burnt copy of the Socialist Worker at the launch, Truss claimed it was found within a hidden printing press in the basement, along with shrines to BLM, Marx, Lenin and Greta Thunberg.


Refusing to answer any more questions, Truss left in her private helicopter towards her constituency of South West Norfolk where she was due to drop from the air signed photos and unsold copies of her 2023 calendar.


It has since been revealed that the costs of the demolition are being passed back to the woke teachers of the school, both active and retired. Further questions from angry locals were dealt with by the anti-woke mascot for the park, who denied accusations that this was a shameless publicity stunt which left thousands of pupils and future generations in the area without a school. When the park is finally built the Mascot said, ‘It would bring employment opportunities to make up for the lack of schooling, generating profits equivalent to the GDP of the former East Germany before the fall of the wall.’


The anti-woke park is alleged to be inspired by a trip to Dollywood, Tennessee, after her successful talk at the Heritage Foundation in Washington DC. Dollywood would not confirm a British suspect looking like Truss at the same time as her visit, was seen leaving the park with unpaid for items from the gift shop.


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