- Lockjaw
- Jun 26, 2023
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NewsBiscuit has discovered that the election after-party in 2019 was so wild that the Conservatives mistakenly thought they had lost to Labour. News that they have been in power for the last four years is slowly filtering through.
‘You’re shitting me’, one MP told reporters. ‘To be fair, I was off my tits for about a week. Ask Govey, he’s always at the front of the conga. It was us? We won?’
Several backbenchers appeared stunned by the news. ‘Does that mean . . . are we the ones who are supposed to stop all the poo going into the rivers? Are you sure? ‘
Conservatives have been blaming Keir Starmer for the state of the economy for some time. Now we know why. It also explains why Rishi Sunak never answers any questions at PMQs – he presumably thinks Starmer should be answering them.
‘So all those planes arriving during the pandemic without quarantine – were we supposed to sort that out? Oh shit!’
Another MP asked ‘But can we keep the bungs?’, suggesting that they have some awareness of reality.
Image:mounsey - Pixabay
"Spice, toot, bump, skooma, mamba - you can see they're getting desperate", says Sergeant Gary Jones of Scotland Yard. He believes there'll soon be gang wars over the last few remaining combinations of letters in the English language.
Drug dealer Mark Wilde agrees the situation is critical: "When I should be out stabbing rivals in turf wars, I'm stuck behind a Scrabble board trying to see what words we've got left. Would you believe I had to name my last drug "phthisis"? It was either that or "pterodactyl". I even tried going through some old 1950s phone books - but "Mrs Agatha Hardbarking" is hardly a suitable name for a party drug, is it?
Meanwhile, Sergeant Jones reassures people that the illegal drug trade will go into terminal decline around 2027, when the dealers finally use up the last word in the English language. "However", he warns, "they could always move to France and start all over again".
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