Johnson's hairdresser gets a gong, as does Fabricant's wig

Peerage analysts, if such a profession could exist, are frantically wondering how Johnson's hairdresser could be awarded any gong for doing his hair. Apparently both the Association of Hairdressers and the Privileges Committee wanted her to be struck off for bringing the profession into disrepute.

It has also been noted that the peerage awarded to Michael Fabricant actually only applies to his wig, which presumably will be tended to by Johnson's be-gonged hairdresser. In fact, Michael Fabricant's wig and Boris Johnson's hair haven't been seen in the same salon at the same time. 'It could be a mistake,' said a forensic hairdresser, a profession marginally more likely than a peerage analyst, 'to err is human, two hairs is inhuman. Maybe Boris ennobled Fabricant's wig because he thought it was his hair in a mirror.'

One prominent Peerage Analyst spoke on the condition of anonymity ' It's almost as though peerages are entirely made up and deeply silly and have no place in a modern society. When the revolution comes, it'll be them and the forensic hairdressers first up against the wall.'

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Boris Johnson steps down as an MP with immediate ineffect

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Amber alert issued as Johnson rut approaches

Experienced Boris-watchers have expressed concerns that this years rut may be 'devastating'. The ex-PM, ex-MP finds himself untrammelled by the burdens of office, and will need an outlet for his considerable energies as summer approaches.

'Relieved of maintaining the web of lies to his Party, Westminster, and the public in general it is likely he will revert to a more basic demonstration of his prowess' confided Jim Backshaw, Emeritus Professor of Pfeffelology at the University of Staines, 'No female with a pulse within a five mile radius will be safe from his attentions'

The professor also concluded that these urges will be further fuelled by his need to regain status.

'The Big Beast has been ousted as alpha-male, and will seek means to redress this - we can expect some sort of display of fecundity, such as frantic hooted challenges and ritual masturbation, as he attempts to re-establish his dominance of Downing Street'.

Whilst privately admitting that such a display would be 'awesome and magnificent', the professor did admit that this behaviour could escalate and become a danger to the public.

'If this does become the case, regretfully we may need to sedate and neuter him as a safety measure. A former colleague has already stepped forward and asked if she can handle the scalpel'

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