Updated: Aug 5, 2023
Winner: Mr Lemon Curry
Runners-Up:
"Look at the interest rates skyrocketing, Sally! Thank goodness we can't afford to buy houses." (Martyn Casserly);
"Look, Nigel Farage has just had his card spat out of that ATM." (Dick Everyman)
Most Meta Award: Characters from the last caption competition get inserted into this one. (Midfield Diamond)
The Earth is going through a phase where it is ridding itself of unsightly stains and spillages.
'I've been eyeing up the other planets, and they're all like cool and trendy looking,' said Earth. None of them have to put up with yukky oil slicks, toxic waste and climate change deniers smeared all over them.
'So I got this idea from wankers who make and buy self-cleaning ovens. At first I thought you probably just pop in a special tablet and those types of ovens would cleanse themselves like a dishwasher or something. But when I looked it up, it turns out that they're designed to heat to 500 degrees and scorch any smeggy bits out of existence.
'What a squandering, lazy waste of energy. But hey, if the rich just do it without a second thought or any consideration for the consequences, then....
'Next I want to get some sexy rings like that gorgeous Saturn. It means getting The Moon to explode into tiny little pieces, but I'll just get some large comet in to do that. Where I'm going, you don't need tides.'
Image: Newsbiscuit
Liz Truss has emerged as the unlikely source of a musical tribute to the late Sinead O'Connor. The former PM has penned a version of the Irish singer's classic hit Nothing Compares 2 U - with a few amendments of her own.
A spokes-lettuce said 'As soon as Liz heard that Sinead O'Connor had died, she got straight to work on a cover of the song. People might say her version is a bit egotistical, but that is a disgrace.'
NewsBiscuit was given exclusive access to Truss's rendition of the song after bribing the former premier with pork and cheese imports.
'It’s been seven hours and 308 days,
Since I trashed the economy,
I caused market jitters and a run on the pound,
Not to mention a £30billion spree.
Since I’ve been gone, I can do whatever I want,
I can fleece whoever I name,
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant,
But nothing, I said nothing, will ever make me feel shame.
Cause nothing compares. Nothing compares. To me.
I’ve been so lonely being out of the limelight,
Like a bird without a song,
But there are no lonely tears falling,
Tell me, why do people still think I went wrong?
I went to Kwasi Kwarteng, and guess what he told me, guess what he told me?
He said "Girl, you better try to make funds outta nothing, it grows on trees!"
Now he's history...
Cause nothing compares. Nothing compares. To me.'
