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First Coutts is the deepest - high end banking is 'hotbed of Marxism'



Former stockbroker and Cameo’s Irish Republican spokesman Nigel Farage has bravely blown the whistle on the extreme left-wing cabal currently running the high end banking sector.


'It’s like Paris 1968 only more so' admitted one wealth fund manager, who unironically wore a Che Guevara t-shirt. 'Eat the rich. But not Nigel Farage. He isn’t rich enough, probably because Brexit made everyone poorer. What an absolutely extraordinary coincidence. There was no way to predict that, apart from almost every economist who predicted exactly that. We need to redistribute the wealth, man. And by redistribute the wealth I mean give more to the rich.'


Farage is said to have responded to his banking 'win' by wobbling his jowls in celebration, ordering a Guinness, and shouting "Up the 'Ra".




Future Ashes matches at Old Trafford to be held between groundsmen




Following a washout test match in which the TMS commentators used every description of rain known to mankind, the ICC has proposed that future test matches are either played somewhere sensible, or that both teams provide their best groundsmen, who will compete against each other in keeping the pitch and outfield dry.


The cricketers themselves would entertain the spectators by performing rain dances or displays of piety, depending on which team of groundsmen were mopping up, and the match will be decided on how many overs might have been bowled between making the pitch usable and the next torrential downpour.


TMS commentators, who traditionally have been ex-cricketers, would be replaced by ex-groundstaff who will comment on the various techniques the opposing groundsmen employ and how much more difficult it was keeping pitches dry in their day, without the assistance of protective clothing.




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