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Widget-maker's reputation "will never recover from this," the nation is told


A widget-making firm which employed someone who hooked up with young people online is now "irreparably damaged" and "doomed", according to impartial industry commentators.


"I can't see how anyone will buy a single widget from this manufacturer ever again," they continued, impartially.


The commentators on this matter all run rival widget companies, and would like nothing better than to see the century-old British Widget Corporation close down.


"The government must respond to this earth-shattering scandal by immediately scrapping the Widget Licence Fee, so we can make more money," said a spokeswoman for Sky Widgets.




Keith Stammer flummoxed by beverage question


Ange: Kettle's on, Keith. Fancy a cuppa?

Keith: Well, that is an interesting proposition. I can definitely say that I am thirsty, but what are the options? Tea or coffee are strong contenders. However, I can't rule out a herbal alternative at this stage. It may also depend on what sort of milk is in the fridge. Skimmed, full fat or, perhaps, oat. If available, I would go for long life, but that will depend on further investigation.

Ange: Forget it Keith. Water's gone off the boil now.




Plot of Inception hailed 'visionary' as Uxbridge folds over on itself


Following the plot structure of the 2010 movie Inception with Leonardo DiCaprio, half of Uxbridge has bent upwards towards the sky and then folded back over to a point which seems surreal, but is oddly compelling.


A slight majority of residents are unable to follow the plot of a Peppa Pig episode, never mind the complexities of a Christopher Nolan film. Unable to process the meaning of a Cobb's totem which has been spinning perpetually since 2015, they elected to stick with a Conservative MP because perpetual spin is something they keep being told is good for them.


A local woman who wasn't still being smashed in the face by a Conservative Party activist said, 'Uxbridge sounds lovely, but look at the state of it. Anyone who comes to live here willingly is a white ghillie suit short of a tundra scenario.'


Unable to wake up from a nightmare within a nightmare, the people of Uxbridge are now left in a zero G van crash going over the side of a garden bridge in sloooooooow motion.




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