US government replaces term limits with "Shoot the President Day"

US presidents can now stay in office as long as they can dodge bullets, thanks to a new bill signed into law today. After intense lobbying by an alliance of brooding loners and psychotic conspiracy theorists, Congress has given in and made the 8th of April the day anyone can end the president's rule with a well-aimed bullet.

"It's a victory for the rugged individualism for which we're famous as a nation", says Senator Hilmer Baines (R). "For too long, the basement-dwelling gun nut has been a marginalised figure in American politics. He spends his days peering out between his window blinds in search of FBI surveillance trucks, or getting cut off by radio show hosts when he phones in about the president being an agent of the Illuminati".

"This is people power in action", says Mrs Edna Prazitsky of Dayton, Ohio, whose conspiracy theorist son Bruce lives in her loft with his gun collection. "For the last ten years Bruce has had to make do with pumping bullets into cardboard likenesses of politicians at the shooting range. Now he knows he can really make a difference".

Senator Baines urges all aspiring marksmen to be ready on Shoot the President Day. "Whatever your motives may be, your contribution is appreciated", he says. "Maybe the President isn't answering your letters about the alien landings in your back yard. Or you have an unrequited crush on a film star who takes out a restraining order every time you're found hiding in her garden. Go on - you know she'll be impressed when she sees you on TV being manhandled to the ground by Secret Service agents".

image from pixabay

If you vote Tory – f$cking own it

With a General Election looming and a post-election depression inevitable, many Conservatives are looking for ways to continue their Faustian Pact, while retaining the right to b$tch and moan about the state of the country. Yet after seven years of Tory ineptitude, it has become increasingly hard to blame things on Windows Vista and High School the Musical.

Through a combination Rohypnol and Jedi-mind tricks, Theresa May has got us all believing that our current woes are the result of the Fall of the Ottoman Empire. Commented one confused voter: ‘A bit of misdirection is one thing – but how does it work that the Tories start Brexit, campaign for Brexit, celebrate Brexit – but somehow are not culpable?’. Excuses have a shelf-life; and there is a nagging sense that collapsing schools and hospitals might…just might…not be the fault of skinny jeans.

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Rare hybrid dolphins spotted off coast is a Brexit benefit says Environment Minister

The cetaceans seen in Falmouth, do not normally visit the UK coastline, so the Environment Secretary has taken the opportunity to claim their arrival in British waters as a Brexit benefit in much the same way that her colleague in the Home Office appreciates it to be with the ever-increasing number of asylum seekers, but won’t admit.

A spokesperson for the Sea Watch Foundation doubted that the dolphins are anything other than ambivalent about whether Britain had remained part of the EU, but said the beautiful creatures have incredible olfactory senses and can pick up smells from hundreds of miles away, so if they are attracted to the British coastline it’s more than likely to be the smell of raw sewage being pumped into the sea since Britain escaped EU regulation of keeping its coast clean that attracted them.

He went on to add “It wouldn’t surprise me to find the British coastline becomes infested with killer sharks as well before long, if they ain’t already here, because they’ve got an even better sense of smell. We call them sea rats, because like rats that live in sewers, they don’t mind the smell of shit, but you won’t find that mentioned in the newspapers.”

Next: Newsbiscuit reader asks if it was the stench of corruption that attracted ex-UKIP and BNP members to the fringes of the Tory party when Cameron left.

image form pixabay