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If you vote Tory – f$cking own it


With a General Election looming and a post-election depression inevitable, many Conservatives are looking for ways to continue their Faustian Pact, while retaining the right to b$tch and moan about the state of the country. Yet after seven years of Tory ineptitude, it has become increasingly hard to blame things on Windows Vista and High School the Musical.


Through a combination Rohypnol and Jedi-mind tricks, Theresa May has got us all believing that our current woes are the result of the Fall of the Ottoman Empire. Commented one confused voter: ‘A bit of misdirection is one thing – but how does it work that the Tories start Brexit, campaign for Brexit, celebrate Brexit – but somehow are not culpable?’. Excuses have a shelf-life; and there is a nagging sense that collapsing schools and hospitals might…just might…not be the fault of skinny jeans.


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