Sunak committed to more green coloured cars by 2035

Rishi Sunak has been busy putting the 'mentalist' into 'environmentalist', by committing the UK to dramatically increase the number of cars that are painted green. However he has drawn some criticism for pushing the deadline for this back from 2030 to 2035 and not including cars that are aquamarine or turquoise.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst explained 'Rishi can’t see what difference 5 minutes makes. Besides he wants the car industry to bring back lead based paint. Taking lead out of paint is woke and the EU are to blame. We in the Tory party welcome an increase in the number of people who are mentally impaired because that means more votes for us!'

'And we’re going to bring back CFCs. That ozone layer has had it too good for too long.'

Barnum & Bailey release clowns back into the wild

After 146 years in the Ringling Bros Circus, many a Harlequin or Auguste will be returning to their natural habitat – a pie factory, the fevered imagination of Stephen King or a career in frontline politics. Until recently, wild clowns had been hunted to extinction for their garish pelts and distinctive Brad Pitt noses – with only the occasional rare sighting of a ‘Big Feet’.

The domesticated clown has been around for decades - be they managing NHS reform or organising Sunderland AFC’s back four, Yet many clowns are sadly malnourished with only a squirty flower or rubber chicken to gnaw on. Animal Rights campaigners have highlighted the cruelty of clown captivity, with disturbing images of Robbie Williams gurning and hurling faeces during a Take That reunion – although friends say this is ‘normal’.

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Michael Gove proclaims himself Baronet of Birmingham

Michael Gove is riding to the rescue of the bankrupt Birmingham City Council, arriving in the city centre on a magnificent white stallion. He then attempted a stirring speech, but most of it was muffled by his ornate suit of medieval armour.

Gove apparently said 'Only more than a decade of savage Tory cuts to local government necessitates these kind of interventions, so... you're welcome. Anyway, I, Michael Gove, being of sound mind, despite being banned from several nightclubs in Aberdeen, am the Duke of Dudley, the Earl of Edgbaston and the Sultan of Solihull. I am Ozzy Osbourne and Tommy Shelby, staying at the Crossroads Motel.'

Gove is said to have 'responded positively' to the idea of riding his white horse through the streets of neighbouring Coventry, adding 'naked, I hope?' before winking at aides.