Kids taunt Archimedes with "Who ate all the πs?"

'I am one of Athens' most important mathematicians,' Archimedes declared stoutly to reporters at a press conference in the agora.

'That is why I find it so demeaning when all these urchins from the gymnasium crowd round me, when I am sitting in the sand drawing circles, and chant: "Who ate all the πs? Who ate all the πs? Who ate, who ate, who ate all the πs?"

'Just because I've become a bit spherical over the years. Archimedes screw those guys. Why don't they go and pick on Euclid, instead? He's a total square.'

'The πs have gone to my arse, but no-one cared before. πs... arse... cared... hang on, there might be something in that!'

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Chain pubs to replace happy hour with gouging time

Works night out piss-up facilitators, the Glug and Cabbage pub chain, has announced that it will charge extra for drinks at happy hour and also for additional baggage beyond one carry-on item. Emotional baggage will remain free and is indeed encouraged as it contributes to both sales and fights.

Drinks will be available to pre-book up to 3 months in advance, with double vodka and lambrini in the week before Xmas now available for 99p - increasing to £30 on the night. These moves are part of the chain's expansion into new venues in abandoned agricultural buildings that are 'within 30 minutes by taxi, with luck' of the local high street.

'Why can't things just have one price any more?' lamented token person in the street Les Ismor. 'It's enough to drive you to drink.'

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Two imperialists agree to fight imperialism

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