Food banks stock fox meat

A fur-clad Conservative spokeswoman explained: ‘Foxes are at the root of all our problems – including Brexit. No seats on your train? Foxes. Working three zero-hour jobs? Foxes. Wondering why we had to bail out the bankers with money meant for the disabled? Ah, that last one was us. Soz.’

Following a full-page colour-spread of an urban fox, fraudulently claiming housing benefit, a cull is inevitable. Food banks will now stock a plentiful supply of mystery meat, serving with the strap line – ‘Strong, stable and tastes like chicken’.

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Covid-19 Omicron BA.2.86 'Pirola' mutation: Matt Hancock can't help snogging it

Mouthy mutation 'Covid-19 Omicron Pirola BA.2.86' has reared its ugly head. So hideous is this new variant, that gropey slimeball Matt Hancock is not resistant to its charmlessness.

'He just couldn't help himself,' said a security camera obviously placed where everyone but Hancock could have seen him coming. 'He took one look at Pirola and it was love at first tonguing.

'Like Hancock, I'm quite low resolution, so the vomit was limited. Well, at least until he couldn't help showing Pirola around and walked into a Norfolk care home with it on his arm.

'Hopefully this time, the public will listen to virologists who know what they are talking about, and not government ministers "following the science" about as much as they want the delayed Covid Inquiry to find them grossly negligent.'

- Matt Hancock's autobiography "Mostly Charmless" is available in all good binshops

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Putin cheats at Jenga because he takes out several blocks at the same time

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