Showbiz world stunned as Ant & Dec hand back their latest NTA award

Showbiz has been left reeling following news lovable Geordies Ant and Dec have handed back their 22nd consecutive Best TV Presenter award.

Fans are said to be devastated with hashtag #AntandDecAlwaysWinBestTVPresenterAwardItsTheLaw trending all day on social media sites, while Samaritans report a massive increase in calls to its national helpline.

To add insult to injury, Ant, or it might have been Dec, we’re not sure said: ‘Thawz nie kudos left in it, bonny lad. Even we're embarrassed by having won the bloody thing every year. Well noo, leik, we just cannat be awsed nie maw. And if wor fans durn’t leik it th'ill just have to haddaway an’ shite.’

Catchphrase presenter Stephen Mulhern is understood to have now replaced the boys in the category; not for anything specific. It’s just that he somehow manages to look the dead spit of Ant and Dec rolled into one person. A move NTA big wigs hope might keep the public happy.

Architects move into computing

Following criticism that luxury flats in Folkestone look like something out of the Flintstones, crestfallen architects are turning their skills to a less visible form of architecture: that inside computer CPUs.

The move promises to provide interesting challenges for the computing industry, as architects from Le Corbusier to Richard Rogers are well known for being visionary imbeciles who will typically design buildings that focus the sun’s rays so they can melt cars.

Nevertheless, the computing industry is gearing itself for the next generation of PCs by ditching the logo “Intel Inside” and replacing it with “It’s Mental in Here”. CPUs are likely to lose their sleek efficient appearance and be housed inside Brutalist concrete enclosures.

King Charles refused to comment on this latest venture for architects, saying that’s what heirs in waiting are for, however a source close to the king told Newsbiscuit that if anyone brought one of the new architecture computers inside Buckingham Palace they’d need to be careful that the king didn’t shoot it like his father would have.

Photo by S. Tsuchiya on Unsplash

Government to use CAPTCHA tool to help find RAAC

It was announced today that from now on, anyone filling in a form on a government website will have to prove they are human by using the CAPTCHA tool.

However, rather than being asked which squares contain traffic lights or motorcycles, they will be shown a random assortment of schools and hospitals and asked to say which ones look as if they might contain RAAC.

'It's really just outsourcing taken to its logical conclusion,' said Sir Crispin Penpusher of the Department for Administrative Affairs. 'Rather than doing something ourselves, we'll give the job to people we know nothing about, who probably have no skills and certainly no incentive to do it properly.

'Exactly the same approach we'll take to removing the RAAC once it's been found, in fact.'

Asked why RAAC was used in permanent buildings when it was known not to last very long, Penpusher replied 'Ah, well you see, that decision was taken by my predecessor, Sir Godfrey Timeserver.

'Naturally he knew he'd have retired long before it became a problem, just as I'll have retired before... well, no need for you to know about that just yet.'

Photo by Crawford Jolly on Unsplash