top of page




'And as the conflict in Israel and Gaza enters its fourth week, we now bring you pictures of the carnage caused by an Israeli airstrike. And we can tell you that they're even more distressing than anything we’ve shown you before...


'Why are you turning off your television?


'Good, we’ve got you on the radio. These are the sounds from inside a hospital in Gaza City of grief-stricken mothers and fathers, wailing pitifully…


'Why are you hitting your radio with an axe? That’s not going to stop the war, is it?


'I see you’ve locked yourselves in the bathroom and are watching a video of an adorable puppy chasing its tail. We’re going to interrupt that to play you interviews with a Hamas leader and an Israeli politician, in which both try to justify slaughtering thousands of innocent civilians…


'No, don’t throw your device down the toilet. We forbid you to do that!


'And don’t light a bonfire with those newspapers before you've read them. Don’t you know how much trouble we take to bring all the horrifying details of this war right to your doorstep?


'We’ll stop at nothing, you know. We’ll hire town criers to shout this stuff at you in the streets.


'That's because reporting this atrocious conflict has made us all clinically depressed, so we’re damned well going to make sure that all of you are clinically depressed, as well.'




Boris Johnson has lurched into sight again by announcing he will be joining the GB News lineup. What is more interesting is the show he will be fronting: The Brexit Lullaby Hour.


The show has been described as “A warm bath of reassurance and mutual Brexit appreciation”. Shouting the show, Mr Johnson will go through the “many” Brexit advantages we have gained since leaving the European Union. He will also have an ASMR section where he will whisper, in his unique pound shop Churchill tones, various platitudes such as “soon we will be at the sunlit uplands”, “blue passports” and “up yours Delors”.


Guests will include Nigel Farage, where it is rumoured he will duet with the song “islands in the stream” Richard Tice for a wrestling match and Nadine Dorries for a weekly fantasy book club feature.

bottom of page