'And as the conflict in Israel and Gaza enters its fourth week, we now bring you pictures of the carnage caused by an Israeli airstrike. And we can tell you that they're even more distressing than anything we’ve shown you before...
'Why are you turning off your television?
'Good, we’ve got you on the radio. These are the sounds from inside a hospital in Gaza City of grief-stricken mothers and fathers, wailing pitifully…
'Why are you hitting your radio with an axe? That’s not going to stop the war, is it?
'I see you’ve locked yourselves in the bathroom and are watching a video of an adorable puppy chasing its tail. We’re going to interrupt that to play you interviews with a Hamas leader and an Israeli politician, in which both try to justify slaughtering thousands of innocent civilians…
'No, don’t throw your device down the toilet. We forbid you to do that!
'And don’t light a bonfire with those newspapers before you've read them. Don’t you know how much trouble we take to bring all the horrifying details of this war right to your doorstep?
'We’ll stop at nothing, you know. We’ll hire town criers to shout this stuff at you in the streets.
'That's because reporting this atrocious conflict has made us all clinically depressed, so we’re damned well going to make sure that all of you are clinically depressed, as well.'
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