- Lockjaw
- Oct 28, 2023
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An insufferable bastard has already paid for, wrapped and planned a wonderful Christmas, he has revealed to family and friends.
With each gift lovingly considered and bought way back in September, James Stubbs, from Surrey, claims he "could have Christmas tomorrow" if needs be, suggesting that men who plan Christmas last minute should reconsider their priorities.
'I don't get the hostility from fellow husbands and dads out there, it's not like I'm making them look bad,' said the 38 year old, who already has a heart-meltingly wonderful Valentine's Day 2024 nailed.
'I guess I just care too much. Is that a thing, caring too much? Perhaps it is.'
Not everyone was impressed, however. 'I'm sick and tired of him making the rest of us men look bad, I do my best,' said frustrated neighbour, Nigel, who last year did all of his shopping on Christmas Eve at the Esso petrol station.
'I'm absolutely certain she said needed engine oil and new wiper blades. I did buy her a Kit-Kat Chunky too.'
Story: benjani
Photo by Rodion Kutsaiev on Unsplash
Conservatives have once again tried to find a policy that will win back voters confidence by announcing the repeal of the banning of the ancient “entertainment” of Bear Baiting and Cock Fighting.
'Too long have we deprived people of simple British entertainment and stymied the animal fighting industry,' said a party spokesman, 'it’s time we gathered around the television on a Saturday evening and watched a good old fashioned British cock fight.' The massed Tory ranks were vociferous in their vocal, clearly excited support.
Bear-baiting is a sport in which a chained bear and one or more dogs are forced to fight one another. It may also involve pitting the bear against another animal. Cockfighting is a sport involving roosters or cocks, held in a ring called a cockpit where they are encouraged to fight each other, the one remaining being the winner. The variations are endless and Tyson Fury’s representatives have already been contacted to see if he fancies taking on a couple of Bonobos.
;I’m tremendously excited by this announcement,' said one senior minister, 'I have been a cock fight enthusiast for many years and now us closet fans can come out of the shadows and support a regulated, safe (for us) and taxable sport where Britain can be world leaders.'
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