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Philosophers at the University of Belfast have admitted they’re baffled to learn that the government of Northern Ireland, which effectively hasn’t existed for two years, has gone on strike.


No one can now remember what caused the Stormont Assembly acrimoniously to break up two years ago, though it’s thought one side described it as “a legitimate and peaceful demand” and the other as “Popish knavery”.


Whatever the reason, Northern Ireland has effectively had no government since then, leading many to wonder exactly who or what has gone on strike today.


”Can a man who is already doing nothing cease to do it?” mused Professor Patrick Fitzgerald. “Wouldn’t that mean he was doing something? It’s a knotty one…”


His colleague, noted Descartes expert Professor Gerald Fitzpatrick, decided it was best not to think about it and promptly ceased to exist, at which point he was invited to become Minister for Transport.


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'Oh no,' he said, 'it's inconceivable. At my dinner party, last night, not one person said they would vote for him.' Asked if his dining guests were a representative sample of the whole of America, he looked blank. 'You mean the chef?'


Some point to the fact that Trump is indited on multiple fronts and very rude, as reason he would lose. While others point out that Trump is indited on multiple fronts and very rude, and is currently ahead in every poll. Likewise working class voters feel abandoned by Biden: 'At least when Trump abandons you, you get a decent divorce settlement'.


Senior Democrats do not understand why Joe Biden is proving so unpopular, given he is supporting genocide and is 120 years old. His 'I'm not Trump' policy, only really works if you actually try to not be like Trump. Yet one strategist remained optimistic: 'A Trump win is not inevitable, for that you would need Hilary Clinton.'


image from pixabay


Canadian custom officials have discovered an ‘gluttonous lump’ amongst Harry and Meghan’s duty frees.  Closer inspection has revealed the unusual package to be Prince Andrew; who claimed that he was embarking on 20-year sight-seeing tour of the colonies – or at least until the statute of limitations passes. 


Harry and Meghan’s attempt to flee the country and press intrusion has now been overshadowed by Prince Andrew exceeding their baggage allowance – by 18 stones and truck load of rumours.  A Palace spokeswoman explained: ‘It’s not unusual for Andrew to be found naked and tied up – but it is unusual to be outside of Jeffrey Epstein’s house. The Prince will miss his charitable role, reaching out to members of the British public – but that’s usually where the problems start.’


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