The blood donors

Subpostmasters advised to “pay extra to guarantee receiving compensation”

Subpostmasters who were wrongly accused of embezzlement because of a flaw in the Horizon computer system, have been told they can guarantee getting their compensation sooner by making an extra payment.

“it’s not compulsory, of course,” said a spokesman for the Post Office. “You can just sit tight, secure in the knowledge that you’ll probably receive it. Eventually.

“But given the amount of money involved, we do recommend paying extra for a secure method. That way it’ll also be insured.”

One subpostmaster complained that despite paying a fortune to get his compensation the next day, all he got was a card through his letterbox.

”I was sitting there in silence, alert for the slightest noise of footsteps on the garden path. Yet somehow, when I got up to put the kettle on, there was a card on the mat saying ‘Sorry we missed you’. These people are bloody ninjas.

“And the card tells me to go to an office that’s ten miles away, not on any bus routes, and not open on any of the days I’m not working.”

image from pixabay

Labour to Nationalise the Tooth Fairy

With the General Election clearly under Starmers Orders, the main political parties (as well as the Conservatives and Reform UK) are beginning to set out their stalls. Labour have decided that the Tooth Fairy needs to be brought under State control.  'There's no common standard value placed on teeth across the country, with some of the poorer areas limited to replacing displaced milk teeth with a fifty pence piece, while in the Home counties a milk molar left under the pillow is likely to result in a trust fund or crypto shares being left.  There is a real risk that there will be an inflationary impact if the Tooth Fairy rates aren't brought under State Control,' said a Labour spokesman today.

Under the manifesto proposal the Tooth Fairy will be controlled by the government and tooth compensation rates will be nationally agreed by the milk tooth marketing board.  Parents will be able to claim Tooth Fairy payments on receipt of milk teeth, which will be stored in a vault and will be used as a basis for Sterling in lieu of gold.  Parents will be required to provide the government with all milk teeth as they are lost, and agents working for the milk tooth marketing board are to be given powers to enter homes and search mothers' bedside tables for envelopes containing teeth.  

There were other manifesto proposals, but it was agreed that they were just crazy.

image from pixabay