A firm finger wagging is set to replace Britain’s nuclear deterrent after the failure of another Trident missile test. Britain’s nuclear armed submarines are set to be repurposed - docked in Liverpool and painted yellow as a Beatles themed attraction.
Nuclear war theorist Rachel Rutherford said 'Mild disapproval and lukewarm scolding are all the rage in apocalyptic game theory. You’re nothing without a good line in tutting. Sucking on your teeth is also right up there, as is a sharp intake of breath. Combine those with a pained expression or slowly shaking your head and you’ve got yourself a WMD.'
'Putin will never know what hit him. What’s more devastating? A hydrogen bomb detonation or having someone roll their eyes at you as they tut? A great philosopher once wrote: "Naughty naughty, very naughty".'
The House of Commons demanded that the snivelling toad either grow a pair or resign. Hiding under his desk, he denied he was scared, and that he was merely looking for a copy of the Magna Carta he had dropped there earlier.
Having had his spine surgically replaced with jelly, The Speaker stands (or wobbles) accused of undermining a Gaza ceasefire in exchange for not getting duffed up behind the bike sheds.
Abandoning his traditional position of neutrality for a place in Keir Starmer's anus, the Speaker had decided to throw caution (and his career) to the wind. But now that MPs were baying for his blood, he said he might just stay under this blanket for a little longer. Finally, he was unceremoniously dragged back to the chamber to apologise...for having wet himself.