- Lockjaw
- Feb 28, 2024
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'Conservative MP Paul Scully was completely correct in his claim that there are "no-go" areas in the UK.' So says Jeremy Haines, a land-banking tycoon from a huge area of north Surrey, attempting to leap to the defence of political shills and personal interests, but inadvertently whistle-blowing the lid off the whole racket.
'Any commoner accidentally wandering onto land surrounding Shapps Manor, for example, would be shot first and then asked questions by Piers Morgan later.
'Even people of high status are prevented from going anywhere near much of Britain. Tory Party donors and oligarch chums of Boris Johnson have taken ownership of all the best bits, and we just sit on it while its value soars. No less than a member of the Royal family trying to get in on the ground floor will be lied to and then have Liz Truss set upon them.
'Swathes of Somerset are prowled by killer Rees-Moggs, where generations of selective in-breeding has created off-shoring hounds trained to tear foxes to pieces, and anyone else with red hair.
'Speaking of rampant off-shoring, it's not just areas in the UK which are no-go. The Drax dynasty with... erm... "interests" in the Caribbean strictly forbids locals from entering its family plantation estate, thereby upholding good old-school white supremacy. Which, of course, is in no way racist, or perpetuating racism today.
'And it's not just geographical zones which are ring-fenced with deadly force. BBC journalists straying into areas even remotely connected to right-wing disparagement are deemed to be on deadly ground. Tim Davie, the Tory-installed Director General Beast, will pounce on you like a giant python, wrap himself around you and squeeze until there is no more Conservative anti-sentiment juice left within you.
'More than that, no part of the media is allowed to mention Brexit anymore. Despite it being by far the number one cause of economic woes in Britain, even the Bank of England is forbidden from going there.
'So, you see, if anything, what Paul Scully said is an understatement. We have made it so that there is almost nowhere left Brits can roam free without fear of extreme reprisal. It's pretty much all a no-go area.
'Oh, and do keep off the grass. I've still got fracking rights under there.'
Image: makamuki0 - Pixabay
Aries
Leo is in your house - according to his ankle tracker
Taurus
Mathematicians spell this star sign as 'torus', which means that you are a doughnut. Yes, in so many ways, you are a doughnut. Maybe you should stop eating so many doughnuts. If you are American, you should stop eating donuts as well.
Gemini
The moon will have a significant effect on you this moooooooo ahhoooooooollll
Cancer
The fish slice is in the blue coolbag, along with Aunt Nollie's spare teeth, half a jar of marmite and a red rubber pterydactyl. This is what happens when you let four-year-olds pack a picnic.
Leo
5,610,833 people will have exactly the same experiences as you this month
Virgo
The mighty firmament doesn't have time for your pettyfogging life this month.
Libra
Your late Auntie Mary wants to contact you through the medium of, er, medium
Scorpio
Avoid junction 9 on the M40, it's absolute rubbish right now.
Sagittarius
Due to a careless mistranslation into Mandarin, your tweet about your cat's indigestion will cause riots in Beijing.
Capricorn
You can go to space if you want to but have you been to you yet?
Aquarius
Seeing your wife's moon in ascendance tomorrow morning gives you a new lease of life and you decide to cancel filing those divorce papers.
Pisces
The Moon and Uranus exert an influence on you this month. In that you will be flashing your backside to a coach full of rival football fans.
Hat tips to:
Deskpilot
FlashArry
JoBo
Simonjjames
Sinnick
SteveB
Sydalg
Throngsman
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