'Conservative MP Paul Scully was completely correct in his claim that there are "no-go" areas in the UK.' So says Jeremy Haines, a land-banking tycoon from a huge area of north Surrey, attempting to leap to the defence of political shills and personal interests, but inadvertently whistle-blowing the lid off the whole racket.
'Any commoner accidentally wandering onto land surrounding Shapps Manor, for example, would be shot first and then asked questions by Piers Morgan later.
'Even people of high status are prevented from going anywhere near much of Britain. Tory Party donors and oligarch chums of Boris Johnson have taken ownership of all the best bits, and we just sit on it while its value soars. No less than a member of the Royal family trying to get in on the ground floor will be lied to and then have Liz Truss set upon them.
'Swathes of Somerset are prowled by killer Rees-Moggs, where generations of selective in-breeding has created off-shoring hounds trained to tear foxes to pieces, and anyone else with red hair.
'Speaking of rampant off-shoring, it's not just areas in the UK which are no-go. The Drax dynasty with... erm... "interests" in the Caribbean strictly forbids locals from entering its family plantation estate, thereby upholding good old-school white supremacy. Which, of course, is in no way racist, or perpetuating racism today.
'And it's not just geographical zones which are ring-fenced with deadly force. BBC journalists straying into areas even remotely connected to right-wing disparagement are deemed to be on deadly ground. Tim Davie, the Tory-installed Director General Beast, will pounce on you like a giant python, wrap himself around you and squeeze until there is no more Conservative anti-sentiment juice left within you.
'More than that, no part of the media is allowed to mention Brexit anymore. Despite it being by far the number one cause of economic woes in Britain, even the Bank of England is forbidden from going there.
'So, you see, if anything, what Paul Scully said is an understatement. We have made it so that there is almost nowhere left Brits can roam free without fear of extreme reprisal. It's pretty much all a no-go area.
'Oh, and do keep off the grass. I've still got fracking rights under there.'
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