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Your month's horoscope by Hermes Trismegistus



Aries


Leo is in your house - according to his ankle tracker


Taurus


Mathematicians spell this star sign as 'torus', which means that you are a doughnut. Yes, in so many ways, you are a doughnut. Maybe you should stop eating so many doughnuts. If you are American, you should stop eating donuts as well.


Gemini


The moon will have a significant effect on you this moooooooo ahhoooooooollll


Cancer


The fish slice is in the blue coolbag, along with Aunt Nollie's spare teeth, half a jar of marmite and a red rubber pterydactyl. This is what happens when you let four-year-olds pack a picnic.


Leo


5,610,833 people will have exactly the same experiences as you this month


Virgo


The mighty firmament doesn't have time for your pettyfogging life this month.


Libra


Your late Auntie Mary wants to contact you through the medium of, er, medium


Scorpio


Avoid junction 9 on the M40, it's absolute rubbish right now.


Sagittarius


Due to a careless mistranslation into Mandarin, your tweet about your cat's indigestion will cause riots in Beijing.


Capricorn


You can go to space if you want to but have you been to you yet?


Aquarius


Seeing your wife's moon in ascendance tomorrow morning gives you a new lease of life and you decide to cancel filing those divorce papers.


Pisces


The Moon and Uranus exert an influence on you this month. In that you will be flashing your backside to a coach full of rival football fans.


Hat tips to:


Deskpilot

FlashArry

JoBo

Simonjjames

Sinnick

SteveB

Sydalg

Throngsman
















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