Irish Eyes smiling as Bono grants Pope an audience

Ireland's most saintly man, Bono, has announced he has granted Pope Francis an audience later this year. It's understood that the historic meeting will take place in August in Dublin and a full schedule is expected to be published on the band's website nearer the time.

A Vatican spokesman said: 'This will be a truly amazing event and The Holy Father is already counting down the days. He's a great admirer of Bono's tireless good works and the many miracles that have been attributed to him over the years.'

Speaking to Rolling Stone magazine in Dallas where U2 is in the middle of yet another world tour, Bono said: 'I thought the time was right for this meeting to go ahead. It will help legitimise The Pope's position around the world and indeed my acceptance of this will be seen as positive force globally.'

On hearing the news, the Dalai Lama commented: 'I'm not familiar with this Pope fellow, but if Bono is happy enough to meet with him then that is fine by me.'

Photo by Liu JiaWei on Unsplash

Olympic Committee told not to award games to host nations which are TOO despotty

Following a sequence of odd choices of host nations, World Football and the International Olympic Committee have been asked to tone the corruption down a notch.

'Fair enough taking the massive bungs and everything, but please stop letting war criminals engage in sports-washing,' said Dirk van der Wereld, head screw at Hague Prison.

'Some of these tyrants take global sporting events as an invitation to whip up nationalism to fever pitch, and then as soon as it's over, go all special military exercise on neighbouring countries.

'It's like giving a massive bag of sweeties to a tearaway toddler as long as it promises not to poke the dog up its bunghole again. You know what's going to happen.

'Genocide is not the kind of track record we're looking for. And do we really want legacy to mean mutually assured destruction?'

Attenborough to voice Tory MP wildlife documentary

As Tory MPs become an endangered species - possibly facing extinction - David Attenborough will lend his trademark breathy vocals to a 3 part mini-series all about them.

'Here, deep in the heart of a generic Home County, we see the Tory MP in his natural habitat: cricket, a village fete, a long suffering wife. But what's this... a non-white person is walking nearby and we see the Tory MP begin to strut. Let's listen in: "Political correctness has gone mad, woke, flights to Rwanda, British values". It's aggressive, yet pointless, it's all just a performance, as if he's wearing some GBShoes.'

Later in the show, the Tory MP was shown hard at work in Westminster.

'Back in the Westminster office, an unlucky female Parliamentary aide has caught the Tory MPs eye. We hear the guttural mating noises: "Mmm I say, yes please matron, what a fine filly". Inexplicably, he's in luck. She responds positively. Despite the long suffering wife at home, the Tory MP begins rutting the aide and with a cry of "Margaret Thatcher", it's all over very quickly and he's off for a GBSnooze. That's a shame. She will need a few G&Ts to suppress that memory.'

Attenborough's closing narration did end on a jollier note however.

'By January 2025, Tory MPs will be extinct in the wild, with just a few of these extraordinary animals kept in cages on GBZoos, awaiting the sweet release of either an autobiography or death. It's up to us to do the right thing.'