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Rat unimpressed that Covid survived lab conditions.




Every year, more than 100 million rodents are killed in US laboratories alone, so rats are somewhat underwhelmed by any claims made by the Coronavirus. Said one rat: ‘Surviving 28 days on a mobile phone is one thing, but can Covid-19 navigate a maze for piece of cheese?’


Other mammals are equally disappointed; remarked one rabbit: ‘I’ve got shampoo in one eye, perfume in the other and I’m being tested to see if lipstick reacts to myxomatosis – trust me, being a virus is easy. And spare a thought for Labradors, they’re literally experiencing Lab Conditions their entire life’.


Explained one cancer-ridden rodent: ‘I’ve been made to smoke fifty cigarettes a day, do you think a little virus is going to bother me?’ Despite having a hole drilled into his skull for invasive brain experiments, Malcolm the Rat was sanguine about his life expectancy:  ‘I’ve been mutilated, mutated and pumped full of methamphetamine – I’m scared of nothing. Except cats. Yeah, cats are still scary’.





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All international treaties are now to include an asterisk, and be 'subject to terms and conditions'


Several problems have arisen in recent years, when international treaties have been affected by unforseen events which make their implementation inappropriate or politically difficult. From now on the UK government will only sign a treaty if it contains a small asterisk (*) and a reference to terms and conditions which are listed elsewhere.


It is understood that the location of the terms and conditions is to kept as obscure as possible, in line with the usual commercial practice upon which the new policy is based. In fact, in line with insurance companies and telecoms providers, the conditions will not actually exist at the time of signing. They will be put in place later as events unfold.


If there is a need to change the treaty later, a short obscure letter will be sent to all the international bodies involved, addressed to 'the occupant'.


A spokesman for the government said the policy would not harm the UK's standing on the world stage at all. It was noted, however, that he was crossing his fingers behind his back at the time.


Manchester Co-op Live arena to host series of pre-cancelled events


Several ‘opening’ events at Manchester’s Co-op Live arena have been called off, including a gig by Peter Kay who must now remember things by himself. Now the £365 million fire hazard has hit back, unveiling a trio of events which will not happen.



Lee Anderson and Nigel Farage will not perform their double act 'You can’t say anything anymore', blaming the EU and somehow trans people for 'Health and Safety gone mad'



A 'hookers and cocaine' party for Councillors, Metro Mayors and MPs who win elections for the Conservatives is scheduled for 30th February next year.



Finally, a leaving do for refugees being involuntarily jetted to Rwanda will happen on the 12th of Never. There will be party hats, streamers and a tombola where all the prizes are guidebooks to Kigali.


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