Lloyd Webber defeats touts by writing shows no one wants to see

The music empresario and answer to the question 'what does a melted Hugh Grant look like?', has decided to stop over-inflated theatre prices, by continuing to make over-inflated shows. He has promised to combat ticket touts by reducing the demand to see his musicals to absolute zero - something that could have been achieved years ago, if only Bonnie Langford had not signed that NDA.

His most recent production involves Michael Ball, dressed as a ginger tomcat on roller skates, who enters into an unlikely sexual tryst with Eva Peron. The final act tragically concludes with Eva choking to death on a fur ball. Racked by grief, Michael ends his own life in a freak but mildly comical collision at a roller disco.

In recent years the Tory Lord has had mixed success with sequels to his hit musicals; with notable flops being 'The Phantom Menace', 'The Woman in Shite' and 'Jesus Christ, not another one'. Said one Tout: 'Prices keep going up. It now costs me £100 to get rid of one of these tickets.'

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Take back control of our borders? The UK can't even control its Irish boundary line

The paradox of the Rwanda plan is that claiming it's a successful deterrent requires admission that a frictionless border with Ireland only works when the UK is in the EU.

'We told them many times,' sighed Elsa van Roest, EU head of stating the bleedin' obvious to the Brits. 'We even said it in plain English so that they might understand. Perhaps we should have used Cockney rhyming slang? Brexit meant that the Irish border would unavoidably become a backdoor between the UK and the EU. I would say inescapably instead of unavoidably, but now that the UK has... erm... misplaced several thousand asylum seekers, inescapable seems inappropriate.

'Like a flock of sheep accidentally transferred to Battersea Dogs Home, the UK has totally lost control of its borders. Collies everywhere. Now this whole mess has set the Irish off again, but I shall refrain from making more doggy puns about Irish setters.

'And we can't really understand what the British government is trying to achieve within its own borders. Asylum seekers who were actively presenting at Home Office facilities have decided not to bother any more. They are now effectively absorbed into the UK community, which is odd as that seemed to be precisely the opposite outcome to what racists were demanding.

'It's not all bad news, of course. Now that Scotland has also collapsed into disarray, we look forward to welcoming a relatively strong and stable Rwanda to the EU. I know this must be true because UK law says it is.'

Image: Pixabay/pixaline

FA to ban genetically engineered players

The Football Association has told teams that it plans to ban genetically engineered players and to introduce DNA Fair Play rules soon.

A number of Premiership clubs are rumoured to be using genetic engineering techniques to develop the super-players of the future.

Insiders at Manchester United have told us about a secret programme to develop new talent using DNA from George Best, Wayne Rooney and Gary Lineker. The work does not appear to have produce any great footballing talent so far – just some very hairy players, some very bald players, and some very drunken players, and all with a hankering for crisps.

 A staff member told us that the DNA wizards Crick and Wilson, who were hired to supervise the secret programme, have quietly been let go.

Hat-tip: Titus

Image: Pixabay/qimono