With two confirmed cases, it is only a matter of time until everyone is dressed in a Hazmat suit and coated hand sanitizer. For those who cannot afford the full regalia, they will need to make do with a flimsy dust mask and a worried expression.
The key benefits of a sanitary mask is that it can also filter pollen and cover-up any unsightly teeth. It also promises to save on lipstick, shaving costs and allows you to look like Dick Turpin. One profiteering PPE seller commented: ‘And this mask allows me to cover my big, shit eating grin.’
If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
 |  |  |
- Titus
- Jun 23, 2024
The Tories, who are absolutely definitely not in the slightest spooked by the thought of being totally exterminated in the forthcoming General Election, are planning to appoint Paula Vennells as an emergency substitute chief of the Electoral Commission, just to make sure that everything proceeds as they think it should, and to eliminate any possible risk of anyone trying to fiddle the results or come up with a result they don't want the wrong result.
There was slight confusion as Paula Vennells denied knowing anything about this.Â
'She has no idea what the electoral commission is or what it does' said a spokesperson as Vennells settled down behind her new desk in the office of the head of the Electoral Commission and placed an order for a new computer system from Fujitsu.Â
'She doesn’t remember coming here this morning or what she is supposed to be doing. But she does want to know when she will get her £4.5M pay?'
To clear up the confusion, Fujitsu were contacted, and a spokesperson explained: 'Yes, our job is to ensure we get the right result. Nothing can possibly go wrong. See? Look - we control the results remotely from here. If any returning officers accidentally announce the wrong result, we will inform the electoral commission who, we will insist, will bundle them off to jail, And also raise a bit more cash on the side by declaring that every candidate except the highest bidder has lost their deposit.'
'And as for postal votes? Er, just don't go there. Not if you know what's good for you.'