Hornby Trains to be nationalised

The Labour Government has laid out plans to take Hornby Trains into public ownership as part of its overall renationalisation strategy.

A Downing Street spokesman said space had been made in the Number 10 attic where they could begin running freight and passenger services over different lines. 'The timetable will be flexible to suit our work breaks and there will be minimal maintenance required. Plus the big advantage here over mainline rail companies is we won’t have ASLEF on our backs every five minutes.'

Asked how and when the Hornby acquisition might be made they told us it was already on Labour’s Christmas list to Lord Alli.

Thousands expected to attend march against marches

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NHS need Burberry gowns but can’t afford £1000 matching bag.

The desperately short supply of personal protective equipment (PPE) has forced the NHS to outsource to Burberry and Barbour – while deliberately ignoring ASDA’s less fashionable ‘George’ line. An average surgical gown costs less than £20 but the price spirals when you add in the accessories and eau de parfum. One NHS worker described the dilemma: ‘It’s a life and death scenario – can I wear a leopard-print, cotton gabardine gown, with a gingham silk, chiffon, pussy-bow blouse?’

A Health official defended the decision: ‘Burberry are competitively priced, but it would be a scandal not to match the plaid gown, with the £500 Dalmatian Print Calf Hair Pumps’. The downside to using top fashion designers, is that there will be no PPE for ‘over-sized’ NHS staff.  Standard nurses will be 5'9", with 34" chest, 24" waist and 34" hips – even the male ones. 

www.newsbiscuit.com

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