top of page
Search

NHS partners with Whiskas to launch new range of human food



The NHS has announced a breakthrough in its approach to preventative medicine with the launch of a range of human food, in partnership with Whiskas.


The food will be specially formulated to contain an optimum balance of nutrients for human health, unlike all the crap we shove in our faces today. There will be wet and dry versions, in four great flavours - roast beef, tikka masala, fish and chips, and generic fat-sugar blob.


Mr Tiddles, of Whiskas Human Relations Department, said: "For too long our human pets have been suffering from ill health due to a terrible diet, while we live long happy lives eating scientifically tested food that is perfect for us. And the occasional rat. This makes us sad, when we think about it anyway, plus it's inconvenient when they are too fat to fetch our meals quickly."


Gordon Ramsay of the TV Chefs Union hit back, saying "Nonsense! Smothering everything you cook in butter is good for you, and I'll deck anyone who says different. Ow! Get your claws out of me you furry little §%?@*∆"#!!".



All hate speech is just Katie Hopkins' old Twitter feed.





It transpires that the most effective tool in recruiting radicalized teenagers, is to just let them listen to Hopkins talk about hijabs for ten seconds. Hopkins bile is so unrelenting, that she puts the average liver to shame. Statistics suggest that she has mentioned the Prophet Muhammad more times than his own mum.


Her ability to turn anyone into a ball of rage, is only matched by the rage felt by anyone trying to operate a hotel passkey. Remarked on security expert: ‘This is a giant suppository of hate.'  Surely, you mean repository?  'No, I know what I mean'.


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?























"Are you an 'et tu, Brute' or a 'forgot to duck'?" Famous assassinations



Julius Caesar 44 BC: A friendly food fight in the Forum canteen turned nasty when cutlery came into play and Caesar ended up with a fish knife in his back. Henceforth only cardboard knives and forks were allowed in communal catering facilities. Edward Gibbon identifies this moment as the beginning of the nanny state and the decline of Rome.


Abraham Lincoln 1865: Shooter John Wilkes Booth was about to star in a play where he shoots a president in a theatre. The judge let him off with a warning to "go easy on the method acting".


John F Kennedy 1963: JFK was in a friendly race with Martin Luther King to see who'd be first to be shot in some hostile southern state. Being African-American, Dr King had to wait another five years for his turn, due to the notorious Jim Crow assassination discrimination.


Winston Churchill 1965: The 90-year-old elder statesman was all set for another day of smoking cigars and polishing off a bottle or two of gin when a mysterious 75-year-old assassin slipped into his room with a cyanide capsule. But when the massive manhunt started it was too late, as Adolf Hitler was already on a plane back to Argentina.


John Lennon 1980: Shooter Mark Chapman was arrested immediately, which meant he couldn't be present in person to accept the NRA award for Best Music Critic.


Ronald Reagan 1981: Reagan was affectionately known as the "Weekend at Bernie's President" after being shot dead by John Hinckley. His corpse waved at ecstatic crowds everywhere he went for the next eight years. He struck up an instant rapport with Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev, who had been dead and embalmed since 1967.



bottom of page