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Manchester United Replace Football Department with AI Chatbot




In yet another swingeing cost-cutting move, Manchester United have fired their entire football department and replaced it with an AI chatbot. ‘Sir Jim Ratcliffe believes that the new chatbot will incrementally enhance the marginal gains produced in every phase of organizational endeavor up and down the value chain,’ said a club statement. Calls inquiring whether the statement itself was written by AI went unanswered.



The chatbot may not be fully prepared to take on all of the football department’s responsibilities, according to club sources. ‘Yesterday, when asked what direction the squad should take, the chatbot advised hiring Jose Mourinho, bringing in Antony, and suing to obtain half of Rock of Gibraltar’s stud rights,’ said one knowledgeable insider. ‘So, yes, we clearly still have some distance to travel.’ The source said the aim was to have the chatbot in ‘something approximating working order’ prior to the summer transfer window.




Man U’s football department ‘has admittedly not performed well over the last decade,’ said Alfred Newman, Assistant Professor of Obvious Football-Related Statements at the University of Manchester. ‘But to go in with both feet on AI will be difficult for an organisation not renowned for its advanced thinking.’ Newman said that Man U should consider ‘first utilizing an algorithmic decision-making device of a more basic nature, like, say, a dart board.’




The football department's demise comes as the team continues to struggle under manager Ruben Amorim. The Portuguese encountered more heavy seas this week after he reportedly advocated loading his squad onto a rocket and firing it into the sun. According to a team source, Amorim later acknowledged that he regretted saying ‘the sun part.’


Govt plan to create 'Fake South Coast' to trick migrants



The government today announced plans to float a facsimile of the South Coast in the English Channel in the hope that migrants will land there instead of the UK mainland. The floating construction is to be moored just off the coast, and to be designed with white cliffs and sandy beaches to look just like the real thing. It will also be equipped with beach huts, food and water, toilet facilities, medical supplies, beachwear and plenty of toiletries and towels.


The plan is that once a sufficient number of migrants have landed on the pretend England, it will set sail for the Atlantic and head South, to drop anchor off the shores of Morocco, never to return. Meanwhile, another such floating artifice will put in its place, to continue the process.


Critics have observed that, because the ships are sailing to warmer climes, have plentiful free accommodation, will have no old or infirm dependents, no billion-pound national debt and no taxation, they may therefore be filled to capacity with migrants from England.



Noncrime, nonbenefit, nonimmigrant home found in Luton turns out to be a hoax



News of the possible abode emerged earlier in the week when a visitor reported walking the entirety of a Luton street without feeling under threat. He then posted details of the locale onto the SafefromthemUK.com website, which alerts Britons to places they needn’t cower in, and, in an emotional TikTok, wept about how he finally felt ‘part of the community of Britons again.’


But that wasn’t the end of the story. An eagle eyed Lutonite who fled the town decades ago confirmed that the supposed street the man was claiming to be part of Luton was in fact a model railway siding got up to resemble Browforth Street, L3. ‘The real Browforth street,’ the man confirmed, ‘is caked in dog shit. This place was far too pristine to ever be in Luton.’


When contacted about his emotional and geographical dishonesty, the TikToker would only say, ‘I won’t say whether the Luton street was real sized or miniature, but I will say that what I posted REFLECTS MY LIVED EXPERIENCED.’ He specifically asked for the last four words of that sentence to be quoted in caps. When the man talked about ‘his real lived experience’ your reporter recoiled and withdrew from confronting him further.


Luton has been in the reporting doldrums recently following decades of it being touted as the single most desirable place to reside in Europe. A succession of scandals involving resident despair and chronic architectural ugliness have left its once proud homeowners considering all measures, including moving to Slough. Once again, a succession of scandals involving resident despair and chronic architectural ugliness have left its once proud homeowners considering all measures, including moving to Slough.



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