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Liz Kendall shoots guide dog



Having decided to go pure evil, the Work and Pensions Secretary said anyone avoiding work would be taken to the woods and shot. When questioned as to whether this was ethical she snapped a pair of crutches over her knee and stamped on a hearing aid - while someone was still wearing it.


Her approach would be carrot and stick. The stick is forcing thousands of disabled citizens into abject poverty. While the carrot would simply be rammed up their arse.


Saving £5bn in benefits would also help fund the sudden big increase in burial pits and wheelchair disposal. Disabled Groups said they were concerned that this could pressure the vulnerable into assisted suicide, her aide remarked 'We bloody well hope so.'

Earth to be Recycled


They've only gone and done it again, despite the court order. The editorial team at NewsBiscuit have compiled another anthology of stories, one-liners and cartoons covering an otherwise quiet twelve-month period in the UK and outside world with fake news, news which should have been fake and sometimes just something that feels funny. The last bit was aimed at the last remaining GP in UK, just in case they're working today. The stories might make you laugh, they might make you cry, but at least they haven't crashed the economy - yet. We have Prime Ministers for that!


Over 1000 short stories and more than 200 headlines culled from the daily output from September 2021 through to the end of August 2022, all put together in a cynical ploy to fund the UK's oldest and best fake news website - NewsBiscuit.com. NewsBiscuit exists to provide a writing outlet for hundreds of established and aspirational comedy writers and to post a daily dose of humour designed to distract tens of thousands of people from working, restoring the economy or otherwise making a useful contribution to society - 365 days a year, most years (we stretch to 366 days a year now and then for reasons we haven't quite understood).


Earth to be Recycled makes a great gift for friends and for yourself





Imposter PM phoned by Ukrainian


An investigation has been launched into how someone like Boris Johnson could get anywhere near being prime-minister after a Ukrainian was put through to Mr Johnson after calling 10 Downing Street and asking to speak to the PM.


"I have to admit I just panicked", explained the number 10 telephone operator in question, "The gentleman called and asked to speak to the prime-minister. I'd been given instructions not to let anyone speak to Mr Johnson unless they were offering a photo opportunity in a hospital or a lot of money, but somehow I forgot that and now the Ukraine government know the truth."


First published 20 Mar 2022



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