Teachers demands now include a helicopter

The government has stated that the teachers' demands now include 'one million pounds in used notes, a guaranteed safe journey to the nearest local airport, a helicopter to take them to a waiting fully-fuelled jet with permission to fly to any location in the world - for every teacher in England.' Teaching assistants are expected to use local buses or Ubers for the first part of the journey except in London where they are expected to cycle to Heathrow.

The teaching unions claim that the statement put out by the government is 'inaccurate' and the initial version also contained 'spelling mistakes and poor use of grammar' which the government defended due to the 'limitations of running government policy using Twitter'.

'More importantly,' insisted a teaching union spokesperson, 'we didn't make those demands. All we asked for was an increase on the current pay offer to offset the rise in inflation and a commitment to better funding State schools. We'd have asked for various currencies in mixed denominations if we were planning to skip the country, if only to assist in maths, geography and home economics lessons,'' he added.

In other news, a government spokesman has confirmed that a film script for the next Die Hard movie had been misplaced in the House of Commons reading room after the film company making the film had requested access to the HoC for some action shots.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/artisticoperations-4161274/

First published 16 Mar 2023

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Britons 'now using larger units for alcohol'

'When the government introduced the 14 units a week for alcohol in 1987 I thought it was a great idea,' said Carl, adding, 'because I'd often worried that I wasn't drinking enough. But the proposed system was obviously over-complicated. I prefer just 7 units, one per day,' he said. 'As usual the government was too stingy with the unit size - have they ever been on a bender, Covid excepted?' he asked. So I just used a bigger unit, you know, like a wheelbarrow' he said today.

Government records note that practically 100% of people recording their alcohol consumption claim is '14 units', and assume outliers like Carl claiming just 7 units is stopping the policy from being completely successful. However drinking buddy to Carl, Alan, claims that Carl is over-complicating the process. 'I just drink one unit a week. It's a bloody big unit, you know, like a shed, but at least I can keep track of it. At least until Friday evening when it gets a bit hazy,' he adds, joining the 99% of the population recording 14 units.

The NHS insists that drink related illness accounts for almost half of its workload, which given the amount of doctors, nurses and managers it employs is a good thing. 'If it wasn't for drunks, we'd have bugger all to do,' said a NHS spokesman, raising a glass, a bloody big glass, approximately one unit. 'Chin-chin.'

Image: WixAI

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