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Unknown songwriter awarded 'at least a gazillion pounds' in court case


Ben Freckles, a songwriter hailing from Llandudno, has been awarded the highest ever award for copyright infringement by the High Court. Freckles, who has published fifty thousand songs in a career spanning seventy years, has never had a song recorded crediting him, but he successfully claimed he wrote the music to most of the songs that have been top ten hits since 1960 in practically every country in the world.


'His ground-breaking, if commercially unpopular, series of instrumentals in 1960 ranging from the admittedly monotonous "A A A A" through to the seemingly adventurous "A B A B A D E A" in 1961, with practically every musical sequence in-between has been proven in court to represent musical sequences used in practically every subsequent song written,' said his lawyer in a statement today, admitting that the cumbersomely titled "A C D B B# B A F# Fb C A E E A A B" was difficult to hum, let alone plagiarise.'


The music industry, it has been alleged, were more than aware of Freckles' output, with industry experts pointing to Genesis' "Abacab" being a direct reference to possibly the only musical combination Freckles hadn't published. Freckles, 94, may not live to enjoy the award - currently being expressed in standard form to make it easier to write on a cheque - as a counter class action from the executors of Beethoven, Bach and Brahms has been launched, with class actions from executors of dead composers whose names don't begin with a B to follow.



First published 15 Mar 2022



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Man U to Replace Players with Dancing Bears



In keeping with the circus-tent appearance of their proposed new stadium, Manchester United have announced that from 2030 they will field a side comprised entirely of dancing bears - in a roar, roar, two formation.


The announcement comes in the wake of part-owner Sir Jim Ratcliffe's scathing denunciation of several current United players. 'Under the infallible leadership of Sir Jim Ratcliffe, Manchester United continue to lean into the coalface of innovative disruption, constantly striving to leverage the thoughtways of stakeholder value enhancement under ever changing contextual architectures,' said a club statement. Calls seeking clarification were not returned.



Gemma, a spokesbear for the Union of Performing Animals, approved of the new initiative. 'We look forward to demonstrating our prowess on the pitch,' she said. 'Humans are small and slow,' Gemma added, 'so we'll eat them for breakfast.' Following the interview a publicist contacted several news outlets, requesting that they not run Gemma's 'arguably ill-advised breakfast reference.'



'Bears are exceedingly large and dangerous animals,' noted Alfred Newman, Professor of Exceedingly Large and Dangerous Animals at the University of Leeds. 'One can easily imagine a scenario where Aston Villa, say, have their entire side eaten within the first five minutes of play,' Newman speculated. 'Villa supporters might then reasonably conclude that they have been deprived of a full 90-minute match for which they have paid a not inconsiderable sum.'



United supporters have greeted the club's proposal with mixed reviews. 'It would beat the hell out of watching fucking Casemiro shamble about,' said one man who asked not to be identified. Emily, 32, worried about the animal cruelty aspects of the proposal. 'I wouldn't make my worst enemy work for the Glazers,' she said. Tony, 76, said he would prefer to see humans on the roster, 'but I'd be ok with the bears making a meal out of City.'



Fears of escalation may yet derail the initiative. Inspired by Gunnersaurus, Arsenal are already considering filling their roster with actual tyrannosaurs. 'The science is still a bit tricky, but we're making progress,' said a club official. The official admitted, however, that playing a starting XI of violent reptiles is 'unlikely to improve' the side's checkered disciplinary record.


Image: WixAI

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