'You're getting mugged at gunpoint and right now, you have no cards!' Washington police chief Trump told the terrified victim of an armed robbery while out on the beat in the city's streets.
'You have no cards,' he stressed, treating the victim - a visitor from Ukraine - to a few cuffs around the head, 'so the best thing you can do is to hand the guy with the pistol all your money and your valuables, and then crawl off and cry.'
Police Chief Donald Trump was demonstrating to reporters his 'beautiful' new approach to crime.
'There'll be no more crimes, because I'll say they're not crimes,' he said, patting the mugger on the shoulder and letting him saunter away with his pockets stuffed with cash and gold.
'I'll say the victims brought all this on themselves. They could have stopped it at any time,' he continued, to sycophantic nods from his retinue.
'Soon, there'll be perfect peace across the US because the criminals will have got all they wanted from their victims and won't feel like robbing them any more. Then I'll claim my Nobel Peace Prize.
'As for you, you pathetic victim,' said Trump, tasering him for the amusement of his sniggering lackeys, 'the price I'm charging for having protected you back there is half of your yard, because I want to extract minerals from it.'
Image: WixAI
President Trump announced today that he was 'pretty sure' the two-term limit for presidents meant two consecutive terms, not two overall.
'I’ve got a copy of a constitution here, and it’s all pretty clear,' said the orange baboon. 'I have the best constitutional scholars, terrific guys, everyone says so…'
However, a team of actual constitutional scholars said the document didn’t look genuine to them, saying the handwriting looked rather like Trump’s, and they didn’t think the constitution was written with a Sharpie on A4 photocopier paper watermarked with the words 'Office Depot'.
'Not true,' replied Trump, saying he had a picture of the constitution being signed to prove it. However, this turned out to be a still from the musical 'Hamilton' onto which he’d photoshopped his own face.
Image: WixAI