The Nigel Farage Party, sometimes known as Reform, previously The Brexit Party, and before that UKIP, is solely represented by its main character, Nigel Farage.
In all of today’s interviews, he stated with clear vagueness how he, and to a lesser extent the rest of the party, would do everything better for less money. The Faragester was readily available for every media opportunity, including ones for other parties. The Head of the Reform Communications Team, Mr Farage, was also doing the rounds this morning, answering questions that interviewers were clearly not asking him.
The Director of the NFP Media Team, Big Nige, handled the radio work and the Vice President of Public Relations, who is the son of Guy Justus Oscar Farage, pulled an all-nighter on Russia Today.
Even after hours and hours of statements, speeches and conversations by the one single entity formerly known as the Reform Party, not much was actually said. Mainly 'Labour Bad, Tories failed, that thing that Labour messed up, we wouldn’t have done that…..skip to the end… only I can fix it.'
Reporters did manage to find a lone ex-Reform MP, a weaker one who had strayed too far from the group, and were about to question them on some of their early social media posts when the dominant male appeared and broke up the attack with a sharply snarled 'Allow me to finish…'
Picture credit: Stable Diffusion
As rising prices make even basic necessities unaffordable to anyone on a low income, the government has announced plans for a new ‘Purchase Of Ordinary Requisites’ (P.O.O.R.) tax, which will add 100% to the cost of many everyday items. A government spokesb@stard said, “There seems to be some confusion among those on low pay, which leads them to believe that despite their reluctance to earn a decent wage, they should still be entitled to a basic standard of living. This new tax will make life easier for them, by making it obvious that they must do without certain items if they are too lazy to earn enough money to pay for them.” Some of the items which will be subject to the new 100% P.O.O.R. tax are: Cheese: This used to be considered as an affordable basic foodstuff, but the price of cheese has rocketed in recent months. Traditionally, cheese was an essential ingredient of a Ploughman’s Lunch, but with the addition of the P.O.O.R. tax to the already high price of cheese, ploughmen and other agricultural labourers will have to make do with nothing but a thin scraping of cheap margarine on their sandwiches. The government advises those who cannot afford cheese to eat cake, although a small allowance of Dairylea is being considered for anyone who is willing to pick fruit. Energy: The government believes that poor people don’t need gas or electricity, reasoning that if they can’t afford to buy food, they won’t need to use energy for cooking. As lack of food causes low blood sugar which leads to symptoms such as sweating, they won’t need energy for heating, either. Holidays: The government regards holidays as an unnecessary extravagance for anyone who isn’t a Tory MP. Even a rainy weekend in a caravan in Skegness is too much of a luxury for minimum wage earning plebs. Housing: Rising mortgage interest rates and high rents are making it too expensive for many people to afford a home. The government advises those who don’t earn enough to keep a roof over their head to live in a tent. Unfortunately, as tents are classed as an item which could be used on a camping holiday, they will be subject to the 100% P.O.O.R. tax which applies to holidays. Just in case the P.O.O.R. tax doesn’t succeed in making those who are already struggling financially totally miserable, the government is also planning to employ ‘Sunshine, Mirth, Infectious Laughter and Enjoyment’ (S.M.I.L.E.) Wardens, who will impose on-the-spot fines on anyone on a low income who still looks happy.
First published 30 May 2023
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