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US death penalty expanded to include crucifixion


The United States has added crucifixion to the methods of killing human beings in the name of justice. The move addresses criticism that electrocution, poison gas and lethal injection are not sufficiently barbaric for the moralistic, evangelical supporters of the death penalty.


‘Nailing criminals to crosses and leaving them to die in horrific pain is what a modern civilised society demands’ said a Department of Justice official.


Democrats were also supportive of crucifixion for certain felons, especially those who pretend to be Jesus.




Social media influencers sent to make peace deal with Iran


"We figured that negotiations in Islamabad would go nowhere if left solely in the hands of witless Steve Witkoff and that idiot princeling, Jared Kushner," said a US State Department source.


"That's why we've sent along a team of fake-tanned female TikTok influencers. I mean, why not give it a try? They've all made fortunes peddling snake oil to teenagers. Maybe they can sell a deal to the Iranians which will re-open the Strait of Hormuz."


"Who are we meeting?" asked beauty products influencer Sharon from Basildon, cluelessly. "Some bloke called Mohammad-Bagher Ghalibaf?"


"Crazy name, crazy guy!" interjected bottle-blonde Karen from New Jersey. "I'll start off by selling him this $20.99 beard trimmer and some smashed avocado hair tonic, then he'll be putty in my Gen Z hands."


"We abhor these degenerate Western influencers!" ranted a spokesman for the Islamic Republic. "To us, they are 'sinfluencers'- nothing but a bunch of filthy whores and Jezebels!


"How much do they charge for a night?"




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