Government to save fuel by introducing "dogging from home"

Andy Burnham has announced a dogging from home initiative in an attempt to reduce fuel consumption.

Speaking to reporters Mr. Burnham said, 'With fuel prices spiralling ever upward this will save the average deviant somewhere in the region of two pounds-fifty per week. Once again we are going that extra mile to ensure doggers don't have to go even a single mile.

Ron Jenkins, a well known "outdoor pursuit enthusiast" has cautiously welcomed the idea. "I've had to drive for miles for my, er, hobby and I've also damaged my gear stick. That is not a euphemism.

Photo by Shooting Tyre on Unsplash

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Andy Burnham adopts Keir Starmer's 'difficult decisions' catchphrase

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Nigel Farage Reports XTC to Police

Nigel Farage has reported the 1979 new wave band XTC to the Metropolitan Police after discovering that Making Plans for Nigel contains his first name.

Farage said the song had “clearly been lying dormant as a sleeper cell for nearly fifty years” before being activated by his recent social media activity.

“They always deny it,” he explained. “First it’s an innocent pop song. Next thing you know, it’s awaiting instructions.”

Counter-terrorism officers are now examining XTC’s back catalogue for other suspected sleeper cells. Generals and Majors is being investigated for military subversion, while Senses Working Overtime is believed to contain coded messages that can only be unlocked by playing it backwards.

The surviving members of XTC insist the song was written in 1979 about a completely different Nigel.

Reform sources described that as “exactly the sort of cover story you’d establish if you were planning a fifty-year deep-state, establishment operation.”

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