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Olivia Colman says no to film

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In an unprecedented move that has shocked the world of cinema, actress Olivia Colman has said no to an offer of work.


“Sorry, I just don’t think it’s for me,” she told her agent, Herb Schmuck, returning the script he’d sent her. “I think I’ll just spend some time at home in, er… gosh, do you know I can’t remember a time I wasn’t on a film set! But my PA must have my address written down somewhere.”


Schmuck described himself as “completely blindsided” by this development.


“I spent hours haggling with the producer over her fee, not to mention getting them to move the shooting dates to fit around her other commitments. I suppose I should have asked her first… but it just never occurred to me she might say no!”


The producer was also stunned by the news. “I guess we’ll have to cast… uh… come on, there must be other actresses around that age, right? I just can’t think of any right now.”


Cinema bosses meanwhile are panicking at the thought of entire weeks going by without any Olivia Colman films to offer the public. 


“It’s a disaster - how are we going to sell any popcorn or ice cream without Colman’s goofy charm to get people through the door… wait, maybe we could forget all about current films and just show a Colman retrospective?”



14 seconds into tremendous dump, a massive spider appears

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Warning: this live report contains harrowing scenes which some might find discombobulating...



A man from Bracknell is in the early stages of what should be an epic and satisfying bowel transference event at home. In the last few seconds, however, a large spider has made its presence known.


Until this moment, Barry Trent's bathroom has been a porcelain temple of tranquillity and a safe space for enjoying the simple pleasures of natural bodily function. But now the unthinkable scenario has occurred mid-lay into two days' stock of backed up cable, forcing an involuntary early crimping.


Due to Barry's intense arachnophobia, the spider - roughly the size of a coaster - appears like it could easily juggle shampoo bottles. Under any other circumstance he would have bolted out of the door, screaming like a windmilling banshee. But this specific predicament is the stuff of his worst nightmares and he is instantly too petrified to initiate a flight response.


Evacuation is not an option. And neither is continuation to any satisfying conclusion. Had the encounter occurred in, say, the bedroom, then he would have shat himself, ironically. But now he is plagued by the horror of poopants, and never being able to return to his only toilet. He's going to have to finish this excretion in the garden in front of the neighbours, isn't he?


Oh God, it just moved. And it's coming his way. Not just poopants, poo everything. Unhelpfully, this report ends here because Barry has passed out.



Referees' Association introduces “autopen” system for Liverpool

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The Referees Association announced today that it’s introducing an automatic penalty (or “autopen”) system for Liverpool FC.


“Obviously it’s been standard practice for years that Liverpool will be awarded a penalty near the end of the game if they aren’t winning,” said RA official Steve Dalgliesh (no relation, probably).


”However, under the current system Liverpool strikers still have to pretend to be fouled, and we’re concerned they’re in danger of injury from throwing themselves to the ground so often. This could be a problem if they also want to score goals in open play, though I can’t imagine why they’d need to…”


The new system will award as many penalties as Liverpool need to win the game, spacing them out so the whole thing doesn’t look too obviously corrupt.


“We’ve got at least give the appearance of fairness, and we don’t always achieve that. I realise there was a problem last season when Liverpool fans kept voting the referee their ‘man of the match’.”



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