Fears of conspiracy theories following Maxwell’s suicide

The US Department of Justice has issued a statement saying they “don’t want to hear a whole load of conspiracy theories” after Ghislaine Maxwell commits suicide this weekend.

“I know what you people are like - you go on the internet, find a blogpost casting doubt on the official version of events, and the whole thing spirals from there.

“But I don’t want to see that happening this weekend after Ghislaine Maxwell’s found dead in her cell. It’s suicide, plain and simple… or will be, I should say. So don’t go getting yourselves and other people all worked up over nothing.”

The spokesman went on to complain he told them not to do it at the weekend, as people just have too much free time to gossip and speculate, but no one listens to him.

Asked whether the whole thing wasn’t just a bit too much like Jeffrey Epstein, he replied “No, not at all - this time we’ll get the ligature marks at the right angle.”

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National Trust to acquire Kray twins' childhood home

Traditionalists are up in arms as the National Trust negotiates to acquire the house in East London where the Kray twins grew up.

‘The National Trust is supposed to take on stately homes when the landed gentry fall on hard times,’ spluttered an ageing military type. ‘The family continues to live in one wing, and the garden gets opened to the hoi polloi.  And the Trust opens a café and a shop and makes a fortune from selling overpriced baked potatoes and plants that might be from the gardens, but actually came from a wholesaler in Wigan.

‘The National Trust shouldn’t be celebrating the criminal underworld and the black economy and the lower classes. It’s political correctness gone mad.’

A spokesman for the Trust defended the decision.  He said, ‘Some very big blokes turned up at the meeting, and they explained in considerable detail what might accidentally happen if we didn’t make a generous offer for the house.  All those present agreed that the cultural significance and historical perspectives were absolutely aligned with the Trust's values, and that we were keen to buy, even at the slightly challenging price that we were quoted.  And, in addition, everyone was quite keen to keep all their fingers.'

If the acquisition by the National Trust goes through, displays in the house will include a timeline of the Kray twins' illustrious careers, with signposting to organisations offering support with mental health issues.  Victims of the Krays will be recruited as stewards to give an authentic visitor experience. There will be a small exhibition of the Kray twins' little known collection of Japanese sashiko embroidery and some of their weaponry.  A Trust spokesman said that, in keeping with the theme, admission charges to the house will be ‘criminal’.

The attraction will be marketed with an affectionate take-off of the Bob Hoskins gangster film ‘The Long Good Friday’, provisionally titled ‘The Long Bank Holiday Monday’.

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Shock as Epstein Files reveal huge number of references to Mr Blobby

The first tranche of the Epstein files were released by the US Justice Department yesterday and shockingly revealed a decade long relationship between Epstein and popular UK Entertainer, Mr Blobby.

The nature of their relationship is unclear but flight logs showed that Mr Blobby was on a number of flights to Epstein Island. Further analysis into these flights showed that he jumped out of the plane prior to landing on a number of occasions; tried to take over piloting the plane; haphazardly served food and drinks to other celebrities; and tried to ride a drinks trolley out of the airplane door whilst carrying Bill Clinton on his shoulder.

A spokesman for Mr Blobby told us, "Mr Blobby regrets his relationship with Mr Epstein and witnessed no crimes being perpetrated. My client barely remembers being on the plane and has not had any contact with Mr Epstein since the mid-2000s. He had travelled as a guest of Bill Clinton as he was advising him on Foreign Policy at the time."

We reached out directly to Mr Blobby in person at his mansion in Surrey but he simply barged us hilariously out of the way whilst shouting, "BLOBBY, BLOBBY, BLOBBY" before getting in a large chauffeur driven car. Noel Edmonds was unavailable for comment.

image from Google Gemini