Dad’s Army deployed to defend Walmington-on-Sea from illegal immigrants

The south-coast town of Walmington-on-Sea is being defended by a band of volunteers known as Dad’s Army, who patrol the beach in search of illegal immigrants arriving by boat. So far, the only boat they have apprehended belongs to a local fisherman, who was captured by the platoon, and forced to surrender his haddock.

The group's captain, George Mainwaring, spoke to reporters yesterday. 'We’re the last line of defence for this country,' he declared, tripping over a deckchair. 'The government may have radar, the navy, and the border force, but none of them has my organisational genius.' He then shot a seagull with an air rifle, in case it was an enemy reconnaissance drone.

His second-in-command, Arthur Wilson, gently murmured: 'Do you think that’s wise, sir?' before returning to his thermos flask of tea.

Chaos erupted when butcher Jack Jones spotted a lilo drifting ashore. 'Don’t panic! Don’t panic! They don’t like it up ’em!' he cried, charging at the inflatable with a bread knife. The lilo was later identified as belonging to a six-year-old local girl, who was not impressed when Jones tried to confiscate her armbands.

The platoon’s resident pessimist James Frazer surveyed the waves with a grim expression. 'We’re doomed! Doomed!' he insisted. 'If the immigrants don’t get us, the seagulls will!' Nobody contradicted him, mainly because it seemed plausible.

Charles Godfrey, the oldest member of the group, spent the morning politely asking if anyone had seen his slippers, before falling asleep in a deckchair, facing the wrong direction.

Dodgy dealer Joe Walker was busy flogging ‘genuine government-issue binoculars’, which he’d purloined from a local bird watching group. 'Best thing for spotting illegals, or peeping at girls sunbathing in bikinis,' he winked.

The youngest member of the group, Frank Pike, mistook a driftwood log for a submarine, but was quickly rebuked by Mainwaring, who snapped: 'You stupid boy!'

By sundown, Dad’s Army had successfully detained two Brummies in a pedalo, a stray dog, and a Mr Whippy van. The dog was later released, the Brummies are considering pressing charges, and the Mr Whippy van remains under armed guard.

Mainwaring hailed the mission a triumph: 'We have successfully defended our shores from threats both real and imagined. Mostly imagined.'

Local police later stated that Walmington-on-Sea has no record of migrant boats ever arriving there, possibly because the beach is mostly shingle and sewage outflow. They have asked the platoon to stand down, citing public nuisance laws.

Image credit: deep dream generator

BBC to stop delivering news at weekends

Now that the Royal Mail have received approval to cut deliveries of second class mail, the BBC is proposing to stop delivering news at weekends.

A spokesman said, 'There's no proper news at weekends. The government doesn't issue any press releases, politicians are away with their mistresses, and councils and businesses don't answer their phones. 

‘Often, the only way to fill air-time is to film vox pop interviews in the High Street.  Because the man in the street's opinion on the big issues can be very well considered and insightful.  Although usually it's just ill-informed, misguided and borderline weird.  And we aren’t supposed to fill news programmes with opinion.

'The only reliable source of news stories at the weekend is from overseas. It’s easy to cut-and-paste international news stories from AP and Reuters. The only domestic news is about village fêtes, charity fundraising, stores and pubs closing down, bin collections, traffic, and weather (hot, cold, windy, watery, drought-y, sunburn-y, pollen-y).  And occasionally there's a summer riot.  

'Most of the weekend news bulletins are filmed on Friday mornings, and then we go down the pub. The work experience kids add in any topical updates later, using clips they've found on TikTok and quotes from social meeja.  The weekend news is a joke.  It's not worth the effort. We shouldn't have to do it.

'We could just let the radio deal with any real news.  ChatGPT can write the copy and then someone can phone it in from home.   

'It's your BBC during the week.  At the weekends, your BBC needs a rest.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Summerween and air conditioning properly a thing now

One consequence of climate change is that Summerween, the celebration of Halloween when it's actually warm, and considering getting air conditioning is properly a thing now. The average British consumer started thinking about air conditioning just after heatwave two, and also finds their purse stretched by pink skulls and piles of pastel pumpkins. It all feels like a dream where Count Dracula in Bermuda shorts is offering you blood orange flavour ice cream, and you’re very hot so you lick it, and then he says got you.

You look around your house, and you have a big white box throwing out cold and eating up your money even though you don't want to be part of the energy use problem. But you also want to sleep and to stop peeling bits of yourself off a leather sofa like in 1976 when the seats of an Austin Princess wanted to hang on to the backs of your legs, and you wanted to escape into the cool air of a Bejam's chest freezer.

In later stages of the dream a lilac coloured ghost is asking you to explain what a BTU is, while a cloud of lemon yellow bats fly round your room and Frankenstein’s creation wearing sandals and Speedos is in your kitchen eating biscuits from a light green jar shaped like his own head and muttering about late-stage capitalism.

It’s not doom and gloom for all sectors of British society however, pastel Goths are delighted with the unseasonal access to spooky stuff in mainstream shops. They are not trying to remember that a BTU (British Thermal Unit, the best thermal units in the world) is the amount of energy needed to heat one pound of water by one degree Fahrenheit. They are looking at which duvet cover and cushions covered in skulls/pumpkins/ghosts/bats best create their vibe.

Image: KELLEPICS - Pixabay

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