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TOWIE special: The Migrant Hotel

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Coming soon to ITVBe, a The Only Way Is Essex special which sees the permatanned imbeciles put aside their summer plans to go to Agia Napa, Ibiza and “Marbs” in favour of congregating outside a hotel housing refugees and shouting abuse at them.


“Look, I’m not racist, right?” said beautician Gemma Asbo. “All me friends are brahhhhn, in’t they? ‘Cept Leanne, she ain’t been in the salon this week.


“But these referee asylum whatevers… I know abroad’s a bit ‘ot sometimes, and you can’t get proper British food like curry or pizza, but that don’t mean they can come ‘ere.”


She offered to hold a sign expressing her opinions if someone else could write it for her, being unable to do it herself because of her fake nails and illiteracy.


“Look, I’m not being racist,” said one asylum seeker, uneasily watching the angry crowd from an upstairs window. “But they’re just not civilised.”


“I quite agree,” said his friend. “Unfortunately in my country women are subjected to many indignities. But I’ve never seen lip filler that bad.”



Man killed painting England flag on roundabout "a true English hero"

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Gary "Steve" Stevenson, 37 of Tipton, tragically lost his life when, at 2:30am on Tuesday, he was killed by a heavy goods lorry while he was painting an England flag on a mini roundabout on the B4517.


Mr Stevenson, who has a history of jumping on bandwagons, was a popular figure around the town. He was always the first in line to stand outside the local Travelodge, shouting at the residents in case one of them might be an immigrant. Friends remember him fondly, ripping the burqa off a young muslim women who offended him by playing with her children in the park during the half term holidays. They reminisce about the time he pushed a flaming wheelie bin towards a group of riot police, called upon after shots were fired at some brown children on their way home from school.


"He was a true patiot. A legend. A hero," said one friend. "If there would of been a war, or something like that, Stevo would have been the first to sign up. He loved are country and was not in any way a racist or a nazi. No. Not at all. No way. Not Steve. He always put England first, and he never hit his wife. Well, not so hard that it would mark her, anyways."


Friends family and assorted racists have called for the roundabout to be named "The Stevo Roundabout" in his honour. The local council has dismissed this suggestion as "totally bonkers".



IHRA definition of antisemitism to include phrase “except when we do it”

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The International Holocaust Remembrance Alliance announced today that their benchmark definition of antisemitism, like the American Constitution, may subject to a number of amendments.


Chief among these will be the controversial assertion that genocide doesn’t count as genocide “when we do i


”I think it’s perfectly clear that the phrase ‘Never again’ always included an unspoken ‘to us’ at the end,” said spokesman Benny Paskudnik. “Just as Orwell’s ‘All animals are equal’ always carried the implication ‘but some animals are more equal than others’.


“Besides, what we’re doing simply isn’t genocide. It’s an entirely proportionate response to the October 7th attacks, which simply happens to have killed 50 times as many people, almost all of whom had nothing to do with the attacks.


“Above all, I must reiterate that any comparison of the Israeli state to the Nazi regime is inherently antisemitic. We really need that one, since we’re behaving so much like the Nazis these days.”


When asked why he was using the word “we” to describe the Israeli state, Paskudnik replied “Well what did you think, that we were an independent body? There really is one born every minute.”



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