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‘Reconnect with nature’, urges Princess Kate, whose family owns half of it

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The Princess of Wales has released her latest Mother Nature video, in which she encourages us all to ‘reconnect with nature’ - though her version of nature comes with several stately homes, a helipad, and gardeners who trim the topiary into the shape of corgis.


The videos feature the Prince and Princess enjoying the British countryside, much of which is conveniently owned by them. The Royal Family collectively own over 6.6 billion acres of land worldwide - more than enough for every British citizen to have their own meadow, a small wood, and a personal deer.


A Kensington Palace spokesman said, “Her Royal Highness hopes her message will inspire all citizens to ‘step outside, breathe fresh air, and enjoy the wonders of the natural world’ - provided they don’t accidentally trespass on one of the many royal estates while doing so.”


Critics have pointed out that while Kate enjoys multiple properties and endless private green space, around one in eight UK families have no access to a garden. Still, the Princess insists that everyone can connect with the earth ‘even in a small way’, and suggests those without a garden could perhaps plant a flower in an old yogurt pot, lean out of a window and squint at a patch of municipal grass, or take a walk along a dual carriageway verge. Alternatively, they could buy a castle surrounded by several acres of land, or marry someone with ‘Duke’ in their name.


The Royal Family insist that their estates are managed ‘for the benefit of the nation’ - with the nation’s benefit defined as members of the public being allowed to look at pictures of HIghgrove in glossy coffee-table books, download a high-definition Balmoral screensaver, or gaze wistfully at Sandringham from the nearest bus stop.

Meanwhile, many of us will have to make do with admiring Kate’s beloved countryside from behind a fence before being escorted back to the car park by security, or stay indoors and watch Kate do it on YouTube.




Plan to cover UK in flags started by flag-maker

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Head down a road in England today and you might think there was an impending fete or royal visit from the sheer number of Union Flags adorning the lamp-posts and foot-bridges. However this is all part of Operation Raise The Colours; a plan started on social media to cover the country in order to show patriotism and, according to local coordinators who have been swept up in the craze, in no way an act of jingoism.


There has been much speculation about who started this; from patriots attempting to emulate the United States, to far-right protesters attempting to stake claim to their country. However, through deep investigation that went to the second page of a Google Search, it can be revealed that the mastermind behind this is the owner of a flag making factory in China.


"To put it simply, I had a surplus after the Woman's European Championships," said Fly Canton, owner of International Weaving in Shanghai. "We thought there would be a craze, like there is when the men play, of flags at windows, on cars, worn like a Temu-Superman's cape. However, nothing of the sort took place and I ended up with a warehouse of red and white crosses. I thought of selling them to Georgia, but got browsing Tik Tok one night and saw the protests and fervent anger some people seemed to have against those fleeing war and atrocities and wanting to settle in a country they saw as welcoming and safe."


Canton was grateful to the UK authorities for continuing to help his sales, telling us, "It's great how they keep taking them down because people put them in dangerous places or don't bother to seek any permission. Every one pulled down is another one bought from me to replace it. Long may this craze continue! Or at least until the next World Cup, so I can justify the extension to my production line."


Back in the UK, supports of Raise The Colours were appalled at the revelation. "It's disgusting that this company has used social media to manipulate working-class people into what they think is the right thing but is really just lining their pockets, that's my job!" said Leader of Reform UK Nigel Farage.




Skibidi peace process

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The Cambridge Dictionary people have decided to add the work skibidi to their dictionary. They define skibidi as ‘a word that can have different meanings, such as 'cool' or 'bad', or can be used with no real meaning as a joke’.


As the word is currently most popular with under-21’s, we’ve decided to see if we can broaden its appeal.  Here is our skibidi take on the peace negotiations between Russia and Ukraine:


Skibidi president, Donald Trump, is negotiating a skibidi deal with skibidi Russian president Vladimir Putin. A skibidi ceasefire has been proposed, although skibidi Russian forces continue to bomb the skibidi out of Ukraine, aiming to take out their skibidi civilian population and buildings. Straight out of Benjamin skibidi Netanyahu’s playbook.


European leaders have had their own skibidi discussions, and although they don’t have a plan, they do have a skibidi position - which is to moan and bitch at Donald skibidi Trump - but in a very positive and supportive way. The European leaders are worried that if they upset the skibidi president, he will impose more skibidi tariffs and their efforts will all be in the skibidi toilet.


So, as you can see, skibidi is a very useful word and its use can dramatically increase effective communication of the whole skibidi shooting match. Pun intended.


The only problem that we can foresee is that if everyone starts using the word skibidi a lot – including older folk – then the skibidi kids will drop it like a hot potato, and come up with some other new words to make them feel special and different.  And next time they might not let on what those words are.


Shocked face emoji, Skull emoji. Aubergine emoji. Have I got that last one right?




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