UK experiences hottest day since last hot day

The Met Office has confirmed that the UK is in the middle of a heat wave - or maybe the beginning, possibly two thirds of the way through, but definitely is experiencing the hottest day since the last hot day. That would be the one last month, or maybe the month before, the day Reform thugs rioted outside a Wetherspoons or ladybirds infested every nook and cranny of every street up and down the UK.

Or that might have been 1976, ask your granny as she goes to Wetherspoons, supports Reform and probably still remembers 1976 like it was yesterday.  Grok believes the ladybirds were rioting over a huge amount of foreign greenfly and says it was definitely Wetherspoons where they succumbed to the heat and stuck to the carpets.  Who knew ladybirds were racists? @grok, are ladybirds racist?  It seems Grok knew.

A Met Office spokesperson said the unseasonably warm weather will continue until it stops, when it will probably be cooler, possibly wetter, maybe both. The change will happen later in the week or possibly the month.  Definitely by December, 2025 or 2026.

Photo by Artur Tarhoni on Unsplash

Government makes new offer to junior doctors

The Health Secretary has said that he won't negotiate with doctors on pay, but that he can look at other areas, such as working conditions.

Wes Streeting is now expected to offer junior doctors a new service to help them find well paid jobs abroad.

'It's widely known that the NHS is losing doctors to other countries,' said a spokesman.  'Many doctors can double their salaries in Australia and benefit from better weather and better beaches, although the downsides include poisonous spiders and aggressive cricket fans.

'Our new government-backed scheme will help doctors who think they are underpaid to find a bigger paycheck.  We aim to help the most militant and strike prone doctors to fulfil their potential by working somewhere else, like Gaza, perhaps.  We reckon they'll miss the dynamic environment of the NHS, by which I mean too many patients, not enough doctors, and ever-changing policies.

We are happy to support this new service because our research shows that most doctors who go abroad will be back within two weeks.  I wonder if Thomas Cook were the right people to do that work?'

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Guardian columnist fired for not writing about himself

The Independent Press Standards Association (Ipso) says it has been inundated with complaints following yesterday’s publication from the 14-year-old.

In the article, Templeton-Dorset began with a long history of beetroot and feta followed by quotes from manufacturers, fans and a spokeswoman from the BFG (Beetroot and Feta Groupies), an organisation recently proscribed by home secretary Yvette Cooper.

'The whole f***ing point of a Guardian comment piece is to make it all about you, no matter how tedious,' wrote Sally Nibbles on Facebook. 'Absolutely outrageous. I did a spellcheck on the article and no ‘I’ came up.

'I was looking forward to reading about someone’s personal struggle with a jam jar that wouldn’t open, or why their pepper mill didn’t work, or why Courchevel is better than St Moritz this year, but…'

A spokesman for The Guardian offered sincere apologies for offence caused. 'We understand it caused a lot of distress. It was a one-off that backfired. We tried re-educate the writer as to the normal and expected Guardian style when it comes to root vegetables and Greek cheese, but he was having none of it.'

Photo by AbsolutVision on Unsplash