US Economic Data for July: Version 2.0

Monthly real gross domestic product (GDP) in the US is estimated to have grown by 442% in July 2025, following growth of 0.1% in June 2025

Real GDP is estimated to have grown by 242% in the three months to July 2025. Imaginary GDP has grown by 342% since Liberation Day, largely driven by growth in the black economy. Imaginary GDP is a new measure that is calculated by including all the good numbers and leaving out the bad ones.

Monthly services output grew by 25% in July 2025, as church attendance reflected the extra Sunday in the month.

Production output grew by 242%% in July 2025, fuelled by businesses and consumers buying early to avoid tariff costs, and because of redundancy threats across the official statistics sector. These gains offset a dramatic slowdown in purchases of avocados, Tesla cars and MAGA hats.

Construction output grew by 242% in July 2025, following fires, storms and flooding in California, Texas and Florida. Every cloud has a silver lining.

Trustworthy statistics are down 242% since June, reflecting a dramatic shift towards untrustworthy statistics and made up numbers.

Image: Morgan Housel (@morganhousel) | Unsplash Photo Community

Liam Neeson to remake Schindler’s List in Frank Drebin persona

Having proved his talent for deadpan comedy in the recent Naked Gun remake, Liam Neeson has said he would be interested in remaking his most famous film, Schindler's List, in a similar style.

A leaked early draft of the script opens with a scene in which senior Nazis gather at Wannsee near Berlin to discuss the details of the 'final solution'. Suddenly, the man serving them tea pulls off a mask and reveals himself to be Oskar Schindler, who promptly beats them all up, revealing an unexpected orange Mohican underneath Himmler's SS helmet.

His identity exposed, he decides instead to impersonate Italian diplomat Enrico Palazzo. While meeting Hitler in this disguise at the Reich Chancellery, he ends up stabbing the Japanese fighting fish presented to Hitler by Emperor Hirohito with the priceless samurai pen he also gave him.

Returning to Hitler's office that night, he attempts to search it without leaving any trace of his presence, but instead ends up destroying countless valuable looted works of art and setting the office on fire, accompanied by a comedy piano soundtrack.

Throughout the film his sidekick Goldberg keeps getting into all sorts of scrapes, at one point accidentally getting on a train heading east into Poland, though the film never quite explains what happens to him after that.

The final scene takes place at the 1936 Munich Olympics, where Schindler disguises himself as an umpire to get close enough to Hitler to assassinate him. When a friend recognises him and says he can't seriously expect to get away with it, he replies 'I am serious. And don't call me Schindler.'

Image: Wix AI was used in the making of this image

Labour Party agree sponsorship deal with Man Utd

After the Barcelona football team agreed a sponsorship deal with an African country, another unusual deal is hitting the headlines. Astonishingly, the UK Labour Party is believed to have agreed a shirt sponsorship deal with Manchester United.

The deal between Barcelona and the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) will ‘raise the profile of the country’ and see Barça players’ shirts bearing the slogan DR Congo – Heart of Africa.

The deal between Labour and Man U will ‘raise the profile of the party’ and see players shirts bearing the slogan ‘Up The Reds’. Labour insiders think that the best chance of getting anyone to shout ‘Up The Reds’ these days is at a Man United football match.

The arrangement has been criticised by the other parties, who probably can’t afford to follow suit.  A team called the Clacton Over-50s Occasionals is thought to have rejected an approach from Reform.

Labour insist that the sponsorship deal is good value, and will get them priceless screen time on sports channels and, occasionally, on the BBC. The deal is thought to include free football strip for Cabinet members and free tickets to every match. They say that this deal is part of their levelling up agenda, and that a planned deal with Arsenal was rejected by some stroppy back benchers. 

As part of the deal, Manchester United have promised to promote equality and diversity, to avoid playing any away games in Israel, to ensure that match catering is from sustainable food sources, and to occasionally win a match, if circumstances allow.

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